Here's to 2015!

Most people celebrate a new year, new beginnings, set new goals, make resolutions, etc. At the beginning of every year of the last 9 years of my life I can't help but think another year has passed and I am still barren.

This year I will turn 29 years old and I realize that I have spent my 20's trying to conceive. When I look back on the last 9 years I can admit that in my early 20's even though I wanted to have a baby and know I would've been a pretty good mom I don't know that I could have fully appreciated what a miracle a child is. I wouldn't have had to suffer through as much heartache, I wouldn't have had to endure the physical pain and challenges that infertility brings but I also know that over the last 9 years I have grown and have become stronger in most aspects of my life.In knowing this if I could go back I don't think I would have done things any differently.

 I don't quite know why God has chosen this path for my life but I am pretty sure there is a purpose ("For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for Him" Philipians 1:29). Whatever purpose God has for my life I know that my pain and suffering will not be nothing.  I believe that is where faith comes in. My faith has grown stronger and though at times I catch myself saying "if I have kids" instead of "when I have kids" in my heart I KNOW God will keep His promises therefore I will be a mother.

All of that being said I feel more pressure than ever to make my last year in my 20's count! I know medically speaking that my fertility will drop in my 30's and though many people conceive in their 30's it isn't the same for everyone. I always thought that by the time I was 30 I would be finished having children, but that just goes to show you that no matter what we have planned for our lives in the end we inevitable have no control over most things in our lives. God has the ultimate upper hand on control. Being human and not having control of our own lives can drive you insane. We feel the need to be in control because it gives us a sense of peace in knowing that when things get rough we can just figure it out and fix it. Some things can't just be fixed. My body is broken and in order to fix it I need more than to just shed a few pounds or take a combination of special drugs that the fertility doctor gives me. Ultimately I have to surrender my all to God and put my future in His hands and have faith that His plan will come together perfectly as He had intended it to be. I want to fight back and say "NO I want to have babies now, I don't want to wait another 2, 5 or 10 years" but when it comes down to it I would wait until I drew my last breath to be a mother. So, if I have no control over when I will have my babies then why do I feel pressure to have a baby by next year? Because it's what I WANT. It may happen or it may not happen either way I will try to make my last year in my 20's as little about making babies as possible and more about focusing on my health & happiness.

So, no resolutions for 2015 just hopes that it will be a happier, healthier and more fun year than all of my 20's put together!

Here's to 2015!

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From Barren to Baby: Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect...

From Barren to Baby: Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect...: I haven't posted to my blog in a long time, but I feel that it is something that I should begin doing again. So many things have happe...

Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect Timing

I haven't posted to my blog in a long time, but I feel that it is something that I should begin doing again.

So many things have happened in the last year in our lives yet so much has remained the same.

In January of 2013 we made the decision to pursue foster/adoption through our County's DHR program. We went through the GPS classes & all that entails. After completing 80% of the process we had to put things on hold. Once again financial strains limited us from being able to move forward with our dream to become parents. In the world that we live in these days, everyone is struggling, most are living pay check to pay check and it takes everything they have to make ends meet. In combination with some risky chances we took, poor financial decisions among other things we lost our home in October of 2013 to foreclosure. We knew that it was coming and made the decision to put our dream on hold for a little longer.

We packed up all the things from our first home that we had ever purchased and moved into a townhouse close by. Most of our friends and family weren't told about our hard times. Mostly from shame and embarrassment, and to protect ourselves from judgment that we knew would surely come our way.

I went through (and still struggle) with depression and anxiety. I have struggled with the both for a large part of my life, but it has always been manageable. With the heartache of another failed attempt to become a mother, losing our home, and also my car, security, stability, etc. I hit rock bottom.

Instead to lashing out, I withdrew myself from the world. Throwing myself into work and not much else. I wanted to wallow in my own self pity.

In addition to my personal life falling to pieces, I wasn't happy with my career. The negatives outweighed the positives to the job, and the truth was I was burnt out and had been for a long time. An opportunity presented itself to me, and after much prayer and speaking with family and friends, I decided that I (we) had to take a step of faith, and know that God was opening this door for us. The day that I turned in my 2 week notice was the day that we received Brad's letter from Honda saying that they were considering him for a permanent associate position. After two long years, of struggling financially, battling with the choices that we made, everything was coming back together.

Since January, I feel that my this aching in my chest is not quite as overwhelming. My faith has been restored and I know that faith is not supposed to be like that, but I think in our case God knew what we needed.

Everyday is a challenge. To get up and decide am I gonna feel sorry for myself and what I have lost or am I gonna look to the future at what I could gain. Most days I try to look forward, but there are days when I can't help but look back.

I have faith that God is completely in control and I know that big things are coming to us this year.

Everything happens for a reason and in His perfect timing.

One day (I believe soon) I will be a mother. I have waited 7 long years, and maybe will have to wait 7 more, but I know in my heart that God has a reason.

The Missing Piece

I look around and all I see

Are the places where you should be,

Here in my arms held so tight,

At home to tuck you in at night.

I try to see the world without you,

But each day gets harder to get through.

Tired of this aching, drowning desire,

Will someone please help douse this fire?

It’s burning me up from the inside out,

So lost without you day in and day out.

I just want the chance to be your mommy,

Am I being punished? If so, I am sorry.

I can be better I promise I’ll try,

I’ll do what He wants and even abide,

I’ll tell everyone about his amazing grace,

If just one time I could see your sweet face.

I’ll shout to the roof tops that He is king,

If just one time I could feel complete.

Bargaining with Him is not the plan,

I just want to be given a chance.

A chance to be the best mom ever,

A chance to completely feel together.

Your absence it’s gets bigger each day,

It will never ever go away.

My heart it breaks, it shatters each time,

I hear the news of another with child.

I don’t wish bad things for them,

It’s just too hard to not feel.

The grief from the loss of your absence,

The missing part of my existence.

Maybe one day I will feel complete,

Maybe not, but I guess we will see.

 

The Empty Room

Sometimes I sit in silence in the room that would be our nursery. My heart aches so much to know that it may never be filled with the cries, laughter, and joy of our child or children. It is hard to understand why this has happened to us when we feel so deserving. I wish that the world would understand that this desire that I have doesn't come from a place of selfishness or "want'' but a deeply rooted desire for my life to be complete with a family full of children of our own. Though I know that we may never have our own biological children, I am determined to not let the room be empty forever. One day, somehow, our home willl be filled with the laughter, cries, pitter pattering feet of our children. Until that day nothing can fill the void of knowing you were meant for something more than you have been given.

As I sit in this empty room & I hear the sounds of your absence,

It lingers in the spaces between and fills it with silence.

Your presence dwells within the walls of my beating heart,

It aches each day to know that it may never be able to part.

To part with the dwelling aching deep inside of my soul,

Could it relinquish its hold on my heart and let its flight take its toll.

Will it ever go away this aching inside of my chest,

Or will it decide to stay until the day they lay my body to rest.

To know you are meant for more than what this life is giving,

To know that you have more love to give than what He is allowing.

The absent sounds grows louder with each new passing day,

This aching in my soul it grows more and more, it never goes away.

If just one time I could hold you close maybe it would flee,

But until that moment comes within the walls of heart you will be.

I wish to be your mommy and hope one day it comes true,

Until the day arrives I will listen to the sounds of this empty room.

Why Can't It Be ME

You speak the words I long to speak,

“I’m pregnant” sounds so simple so sweet.

Fragile miracle growing inside,

Can’t replace the love for a child.

Aching back and swollen feet,

Sleepless nights & mood swings.

You don’t want it but I do,

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

It was a mistake an accident,

Babies don’t come by coincidence.

His plan is perfect and so is this life,

You can’t erase it or try to hide.

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

Is it punishment for things that I do?

I pray and plead oh please let it be me,

But His plan is unknown and can’t be seen.

One day I will speak the words that I seek,

As His plan comes together I’ll weep.

To speak the words so simple so sweet,

“I’m Pregnant” and it will finally be me.

Let Go & Let God

I guess for anyone reading this blog that doesn’t already our journey is far from over. It has been about 10 months since my last post, and so much has happened. I continued to participate in the PCOS research study at UAB through June. Then, I went to see a new specialist for a 2^nd opinion. Her opinion was the same as my 1^st specialist. In June I launched a support group for anyone battling with infertility or going through the adoption process. The group has given me new purpose. I do struggle with whether or not I am actually making a difference at all, but I hope that one day I will see that something positive came out of all of this. I hope that in some way I could make a difference in the lives of the ones that are going through the same things that I have. In the recent months, many around us have announced that they are expecting. It is extremely hard to see your friends and loved ones move forward with their lives, to see their families grow, and yet somehow you seem to be standing still. Just when you think you have made some progress in dealing with your emotions someone says those two words you long to say “I’m Pregnant” and all that work you put into being strong and growing as an individual goes out the window. Your heart breaks and there is nothing you can do. I think so many don’t understand how to approach the situation when you have someone in your family that is struggling with infertility. When you become pregnant how do you tell them? Well, I can tell you this blurting it out, sending it in a text message or seeing it in Facebook is not the way to go. If it is someone close have the courtesy to pull them aside and share the news. I think in taking two minutes to tell them in person shows that you care about what they are going through, and you are concerned with their feelings. Someone very close to us had the courtesy to do this, and it meant the world to us. In addition to the support group, I have also been writing periodically in a newsletter for an adoption agency that circulates nationwide. Recently, Brad and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are in the early stages right now. We are beginning with DHR and I have looked into several adoption agencies, and adoption grants, etc. We begin our classes through DHR in 2 weeks. I have mixed emotions about it, but I am excited. We have a long way to go, but we have come so far. I can’t give up on becoming the mother I know that I am meant to be. I am just going to try my best to let God guide my decisions, and see where it takes us. 

A New Venture

It has been a while since I posted on my blog, and nothing has progressed with my “journey”, but there are some new developments. So, I have been involved with this research group at UAB for PCOS and that is going good. I have lost 20 lbs on the diet and exercise plan they have me on. I feel better about myself, and feel like I am making some progress in me being a healthier, happier person. I have really been thinking about everything that has happened over the course of 5 years, and the number of people that I have come into contact with along the way. There are so many people around me that have been diagnosed with PCOS or have been struggling with infertility. I really feel that God gave me this heart, and soul that I have for a purpose. I really want to help other women/couples that have been through or are going through the same thing that we have. I want to give them a voice, and to be able to share knowledge with someone that may not know what to expect and help them cope with all the feelings that they have. I searched for a local infertility support group. The closest one that I could find is in Homewood. I have contact RESOLVE (The National Infertility Association), and would like to start a peer led support group. RESOLVE is going to help me market my group, and get it started. I am very excited about the possibility of turning this negative into a positive and making a difference. I just want to find HIS purpose and plan in all of this. If no one shows up to the meetings then at least I can say that I tried. So, we’ll see how it goes.

When will that day come

When will the day come that you will here,

When will the time come too long I fear.

Too long to wait to see your sweet face,

Will it take too long and waiver my faith.

When will the day come that I can feel you grow,

When will the day come I may never really know.

They say it gets easier that I should let you go,

But deep down I know I will never say so.

I know that you are waiting in Heaven above,

To come see me and daddy to let us wrap you in love.

To say I give up will never be true,

I will never stop fighting for the day I get to meet you.

I know in my heart that to me you belong,

Waiting for the day we get to bring you home.

When will that day come I hope that  it’s soon,

But until that day we will be preparing for you.

Feeling Like A Lab Rat

I went for my very first tests for the Clinical Research Study for PCOS on Monday. The first two tests were RMR (resting metabolic rate)  (measures how much energy you burn while resting) and DXA (bone density). For the first (RMR) test I was in a hospital bed for about 40 minutes, 30 of which is spent with what I like to call and astronaut’s helmet over my head. Let me just say this, I don’t think that I am claustrophobic, but I have to say that having this little helmet like thing over your head for 30 minutes will make you a little anxious. At first I was a little uneasy, thinking what if there’s not enough oxygen, what if I forget to breathe right. Then, after my initial small panic I realized if I’m going to make it I’m going to have to let my mind go elsewhere. So, I begin to focus on the only thing I have in my vision, the ceiling tiles. I begin to count the number of tiles on this ceiling, and then when that gets old, I count the number of cracked or disfigured tiles, after about 60 seconds I am done, and left with the realization that this could possibly be the LONGEST 30 minutes of my life.  After about 10-15 minutes of this constant mental battle with myself, my eyelids start getting really heavy. I had to get up at 4 that morning to get to UAB on time. I hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before because I like a dummy decided to take a little afternoon nap on Sunday (I cant do this and still sleep at night, I can barely sleep at night without a nap). Anyway, so my eyelids are so heavy that I spend the remaining 15+ minutes focusing on trying to stay awake. Then I have to go pee on a stick to make sure I am not pregnant. So, she gives me the pregnancy test, and I got to the PUBLIC bathroom where this woman in the next stall is handling her business. Those who know me know that I struggle with peeing in public places or just peeing in general (its psychological, I know). So, I am trying to concentrate and I don’t do well peeing on Q, and I’m really trying to focus because this woman in the next stall is making her presence known, and I’m just trying to get this done. So, I finally manage to pee just enough for the test to work. She then takes me to this other room when I lie on table and this thing that looks like a MRI/Scanner runs this arm along my body (DXA Test). It was over and done and on to the next thing.

So, then Friday I go in for the MEAL CHALLENGE test that last 5 hours.  I fast the night before nothing to eat or drink except water from 7pm on Thursday until noon on Friday. First of all I got a little lost trying to find my way to where I needed to be for the testing. I turned into the wrong parking deck, then parked in the faculty parking area, where a very nice lady helped me find my way to the correct elevator. They took me to a small room with a bed, & a tv. She goes to try and find a good vein to start an IV and she cant find a strong enough vein in my arm so she has to put it in my hand. The vein in my hand was less than cooperative the whole day. My hand got to cold so nothing would come out, EVERY Time she went to take blood she had to pull on my hand to get the blood to come out. By the 3^rd hour my hand was so sore. Anyways, so after the first hour they made me drink 2 bottles of ensure within 5 minutes, this was not to bad and helped with the hunger pains, then we moved on to taking blood every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours, the last hour was just 2 blood draws and then at 12 it was over. The nurse was nice enough to give me a map with instructions on how to find my way back to my car, which I didn’t have any trouble finding. When I went to leave the parking deck I made a wrong turn and spent the next hour trying to find my way back to the interstate. After pulling over a few times, driving from one end of town to the other, a call to my husband who was unable to lead me the right way, a failed attempt to pull up navigation on my phone because in the middle of my dilemma it wanted me to UDPATE, needless to say I was on the brink of a meltdown. I some how got turned the right way and found my way back to the interstate. I was supposed to go back @ 5 pm that day for an MRI but called & cancelled. By the time I got home I had a sick headache from not eating, and probably from the stress of the day, I layed down and took a 4 hour nap, and that was that. Atleast next time I will be a little more prepared.

New Year, New Possibilities

I am embarking on a new journey or at least a small detour or side ride or whatever you want to call it. A friend’s mom has been reading my posts and sent me some information about some research things they have going on at UAB. I inquired about 2 of them but only one replied. A group at UAB in the Nutrition & Wellness Group have put together a research study on PCOS & how insulin affects or is affected by this disease. There is no medication involved just good old hard work & diet, which is exactly what I need after all the time that I have spent ‘medicated’. They will do some blood draws, MRI’s, & other testing to get thorough information for their study. They are supposed to give me a diet plan to follow, and will show me what exercise I will need to do. Throughout the process they will monitor several things. I know that it is not necessarily the ideal situation but I am gonna look at it from a positive view point. They are going to supply me with the knowledge of the best workout & diet plan for someone with my “condition” and help me lose weight. I will have a dietician, exercise specialist, and all I have to provide is a little bit of my time, a little blood, & some testing. I am thinking that in a small way I can help other women out there in the future. They are trying to find better ways to treat this illness, and better ways to help women get pregnant. I am just trying to find my place in all of this, and maybe this is the beginning. I am sure that I have little to no idea as to what I am in for, but the good thing is I can drop it at any time. I am hoping that this is the start to a better, brighter year full of happiness, & maybe somewhere a long the way, the baby (babies) that we have been waiting for. Lets see what 2012 has to offer!

There Won't Always Be 2

It’s so hard to believe that we are fastly approaching the end to another year. When I started this blog I was so sure that I would be finishing the year with exciting news of welcoming our first baby. Sadly that is not how we are ending this year. I have really been dealing with that lately. I have been thinking a lot lately about why God would give me the desire to be a mother, but not actually be able to do that. To live a life feeling unfulfilled or only half complete is no way to live. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of good things. My life is full of love, and friendship and family and I am very fortunate. I know that God has this plan for my life. One that I don’t understand right now, and that plan is perfect. I know that I finish this year, a little stronger, a littler wiser, and a little more patient (not a whole lot more, but I’m making some progress). These are the things that God wants me to grow in. He wants me to become a stronger Christian, A stronger wife, a stronger friend, maybe He’s preparing me for the day when I actually do become a mother. He wants me to be more patient. Not just with big things like this, but with the little things. God allows these obstacles in our lives, not as punishment but as tools to help us grow as stronger, more faithful, and more patient believers and followers of Christ. I believe that this next year is going to bring many changes in my life, and the lives of those around me. I would like to spend the next year not stressing about pregnancy or what to do next. I would like to just focus on myself and becoming healthier & more confident. I have to say that I don’t regret any decisions that I have made because it has all brought me to this point, but I might have done a few things differently along the way.

Christmas Day was pretty rough for me this year (holidays are always rough). I spent a lot of the day stuck in my own head, trying to distract myself and just ended up distancing myself from everyone. I guess I am not as good at hiding my feelings as I would like to think that I am. Anyways, we went over to watch my niece & nephew open presents Christmas morning. I think being present for that really helped. My brother sent me this later that night, and it meant a lot to me.

There won't always be 2, soon our father will make that one special dream come true. All the pain, the heartache, the tears that you've cried, will soon be replaced with joy and pride. Your heart will soon grow, it will double in size, for there is no love greater than the love for your child. It won't always be two, soon your house will grow, no longer quite, late nights, no sleep, the pitter patter of little feet. A mothers journey begins, her life will soon change, for all that she knows will be rearranged. Nothing else will matter, nothing else will compare to that little heart beating, to the love that you share. When the time comes all else fades away, you'll thank the lord above every single day. There won't always be two, maybe three or four, after the first I pray there are more. Until your heart is content and your family has grown, I'll pray every day till you bring your child home. For my baby sister. I love you and wish for nothing but your happiness

Waiting

Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the things that we are blessed with and not focus on what we don’t have. I am learning that you have to keep your mind of the positive and not the negative and I admit sometimes I guess I wallow too much in my own pity and not understand why, why, why. I don’t have to understand why right now, I just have to know that He Is and He will. I think that I may forget sometimes how blessed I really am. Thanking God for his many blessings and truly feeling in your heart that He has blessed you, goes a long way. Every morning as I’m driving on my way to work I talk to God and thank Him for my many blessings and for giving me this day to live when He didn’t have to. Some days I have to admit that even though those words come out of my mouth, I may not really acknowledge those things. I know that I can take people and things for granted always thinking they are gonna be there but nothing and no one is promised tomorrow. I want to stop living in my own depressed state of why God why, Please God please, me, me, me, me, me. What about God’s plan, What about God’s Will. He has the perfect plan for me and though I struggle with what that plan is, I know in time He will reveal that to me. One of the hardest things about our struggle is waiting. I feel by sitting here and not going to the doctor & pushing and struggling to get pregnant that I am doing nothing. Sometimes it just takes doing nothing & giving it to God for something to happen. A co-worker & friend gave me this morning devotional this morning and it spoke to me and the way that I have been feeling. Here is a portion of what it read:

“We often equate “wait” with “waste”. If we’re waiting for something or someone, we think we are doing nothing, which, in an accomplishment-crazed culture, seems like a waste of time. By waiting serves many purposes. In Particular, it proves our faith. Those whose faith is weak are often the first to give up waiting, while those with strongest faith are willing to wait indefinitely. Not receiving an immediate answer to prayer is no reason to give up faith.” So, by waiting its not doing nothing its just waiting on for God’s plan to come together. I definitely have struggled with faith and everything else I think that I could possibly struggle with, but I am kind of starting to feel like maybe I am coming out of the other side and it has made me stronger. I have to push myself each day so that I don’t lose myself in all of this because I definitely have become a little lost. I feel like I am just sitting in the same place & life is passing me by. I have to enjoy the life that God has given me, and focus on the good things and not the bad. Easier said than done, but atleast I can say that I am trying. My struggle is not to just have a baby and be a mother and do all the things that I have imagined doing, but also to find my purpose in this life. I think in having a baby I felt that I would feel like I was living a full life with purpose and meaning and without that I am not quite sure where I should be or who I am.

Where do we go from here?

Where do I start? Let’s start with Monday. Monday was a day for the record books. It was an awful terrible day at work. At the end of the day that didn’t seem to end, I sat down at one of the desks  in the office and a sudden sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen (where my female organs are). At first I thought that it was just the normal ovarian cyst pains that occur sometimes. The pain didn’t ease us. It was intense sharp pains that were constant and it was all the way across my lower stomach area. I knew that I had a cyst on my right ovary and a cyst on my left ovary, but didn’t really know what was going on because the pain was so awfully bad. I tried to move but couldn’t, I forgot to breathe it hurt so bad. Eventually I managed to get up and go to my regular desk and turned my fan on, I was sweating from the pain, craziness, anyways so a co-worked asked what was wrong and I explained what I felt and she asked “Are you sure it’s not gas”. I calmly said “Yea, I’m pretty sure its not gas.” Then I took some advil and after about 30 mins of this pain, it finally eased up, It didn’t stop completely but did ease up enough for me to function. I was so scared. I have never had pain to last that long and to be that intense before. All that night I still had some pain, and a feeling of pressure or soreness on the inside. I had a doctors appt with the fertility doctor Tuesday morning so I just decided to let them check me then. After a sonogram they explained that I had a cyst to rupture on my left ovary. They gave me some pain meds and just said to give it a few days and I would be ok.

Now onto Tuesday & the rest of the doctor’s visit. My appt was @ 8am to have a blood pregnancy test done. The test was negative. Then my appt to speak with the doctor was at 9am. So we go in to talk to the doctor and she’s reviewing everything and we talk about the cysts and what a pain they have been through all of this and then the worst thing happens. She tells us that we have choice she can do the shots for our next round of treatments. Shots that I would have to give myself @ home, but if we do the shots more than likely it would cause more cysts and cause the ones that I already have to get larger and cause more pain, etc. She said that the best option for us because of the complications of the cysts would be IVF ). My heart sank. There is no way we can afford that right now. My body isn’t reacting well to the medications and it’s just a cycle of medication cysts, medication cysts get bigger, and they wont do the treatments once the cysts get to a certain size because they interfere. Here is the hardest part, the thing that I live with each day, the guilt, the fact that the reason I cant get pregnant is because of me. I am to blame. It’s my choices that led me here. Me weight is the biggest problem that we are facing with getting pregnant and though I have been trying to lose weight and have lost some weight its just not enough. Either way if I lose all the weight that I need to lose or not she still felt that the best option for us is IVF. She explained that my body just isn’t ready to have a baby, and that sometimes we just have to leave it up to God. Having to explain to everyone that the main reason we can’t get pregnant is because of my weight, can’t even put into words how humiliating, and shameful I feel. Yes, there are other problems that are affecting this but I just can’t believe that I let myself get to this point. I am overwhelmed with sadness, not just because I feel like I failed, but because I put myself and my family and everyone else through this. It hurts to know that I may never be able to conceive and I know that there are children that need families. It doesn’t take away the desire to have your own babies. I just want that experience of carrying your own child and having that bond. I feel an almost unbareable aching in my heart that wont go away and it takes everything that I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning. Some may say it could be worse, but right now this is the worst thing for me and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. All I can do is pray and try to lose the weight and put it in God’s hands and that’s what I am gonna do.

It's Worth the wait

I spoke with the nurse on Tuesday after my appointment for blood work, and I have to be at the doctor’s office on Tuesday morning at 8am. My progesterone level was low (5.3 and it needed to be 15 or higher).  She said that she has seen women get pregnant with a low progesterone level, but it’s not likely. When I go in on Tuesday, they will do a blood pregnancy test & I will meet with the doctor to discuss our next plan of action. She said she felt like she would probably want to do injections @ home. She said they can’t be too aggressive with things because of the cysts that I have. They feed off of the medication and hormones almost like a parasite. The meds that they give me to help have a baby are also making the cysts balloon up and the cysts are causing interference with the conception process. So as you can imagine it’s frustrating. I know that they treat women with PCOS everyday so they know what to do, they just have to find the best medication me for and figure out what works best. It’s gonna be a long process. They also put me on progesterone suppositories. Which was a new experience for me. I don’t even like to wear tampons, and I have never had to use a device to inject anything vaginally. They give you a device (made a lot like a tampon) and you put this progesterone pill inside and then inject vaginally. The first night that I did this, after I injected the pill I quickly put my legs together and waddled to the bed, luckily brad had already gone to bed or I am sure I would’ve been made fun of for days, but its ok you gotta find some laughter somewhere in all of this. So, anyways, long story short we may not get to experience the insemination process since my body isn’t cooperating. Nothing is easy, but sometimes the hardest things are the best things, and definitely worth waiting for, and a baby  is definitely worth it all!!

My Heart & My Head Aren't Agreeing

My call from the Nurse didn’t go quite as I had expected. We weren’t able to do insemination this time due to my progesterone and estrogen levels not being where they needed to. I understand the doctor’s decision to not move forward with the insemination this time, because I know that she knows what is best for me in that aspect. I would much rather be safe, than sorry especially when it comes to something like this. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get upset, but my heart thought otherwise. I had somewhat of what I would call a “meltdown” at work. Not exactly the response I had expected from myself, but whether I expected it or not it still happened. I have told myself through this process that this time was going to be different, this time I will not allow myself to break, this time I will be strong, this time it won’t bring me down. Well, apparently my head and my heart are not on the same page. Not to say that I don’t have strong days, or good days, because I really do, but those bad days are becoming a little more often than I would like. So, anyways back to the medical end of this, I am supposed to go to the clinic in the morning so that they can do blood work to check my progesterone levels then next week I will go in and they will do a pregnancy test, at least that’s the plan. Even though I wasn’t able to be inseminated I am still on a “plan” this month. It is the same process that we have done several times before this with Clomid but this time I used Letrozole ( I am hoping maybe this just wasn’t a good medication for me, maybe that’s why my progesterone wasn’t high enough ?). So, yes there is a chance that I could be pregnant or get pregnant, but I won’t allow myself to think anything other than this is just another stepping stone. I know now that even though we may be planning to do insemination for the next cycle we may not be able to, there is always a chance so while I will try to be optimistic I will not get my hopes up like I did this time.

To anyone that is curious about how all this plays into my marriage let me just say this, fertility or infertility definitely puts a strain on your relationships with other people mainly your relationship with you spouse. It can really put things to the test. There are a lot of issues there that have to be dealt with daily. I feel like if you put God first and your marriage second then things will be fine. Through all of this we have grown a lot, for the most part we have grown together and closed to one another, but there are also times when I don’t know if we could be more distant. I have learned that there is no way possible that we could make it through all of this without each other, and the love and support from family and friends. I have learned that without a strong relationship, love, understanding, and patience you could very easily be torn apart. So, I am very lucky to have such a strong husband who has 100% been there through all of this.

We talked about “getting away” this weekend, wanted to get in the car & drive. I thought it would help us to have some fun and just not think about everything that is going on. Our weekend away turned into 12 hours away, yesterday. We had fun, and just enjoyed spending time together. We decided to go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. This probably wasn’t the best choice of places to go considering the place was covered with families with children & babies, but it was a good time. It was definitely needed, and I think it helped us to unwind a little bit.  

Insemination & Inspiration

I was hoping to be inseminated this weekend, but I haven’t ovulated so Brad and I made an early trip to the Doctor’s office this morning. They did a sonogram to check and see if I had any follicles or anything. She found 2 follicles, and did some blood work. If my LH levels are low then I will go back Wednesday for the HCG shot, and then we will move forward with the insemination. IF the levels are high then I believe we will have to wait until next month. I am a little disappointed but I know things are just not going happen in my time, but God’s time. I have to say that I feel like through this process I haven’t stopped growing as a person. I have learned a lot about myself, and my marriage, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God (most importantly). Sometimes it’s hard to accept certain things in your life, and move on from them. It’s just part of life. We may not like certain things that happen, the way people act around us, etc. but dwelling on those things is not gonna help anyone or anything. So, I have decided to just live. Stop worrying over every little thing that I can’t control. I don’t want to be upset with the people that I thought would be there for us but aren’t there in the ways that we want them to be. Everyone has their own lives, and I know that everyone is happy for us, and they just don’t have the time to check in or maybe they just don’t think about it, or maybe they don’t want to bring it up and make things uncomfortable for us, but a simple “hey, how are things going or hey if you need to talk” just an I love you and I’m here to offer support is helpful during this time. I know that everyone has their own stuff, and a lot of people have reached out to me through this blog, and that in itself means a lot. I just hope that maybe one day what we have been through can in some way help someone else. I should know the results of the blood work by 5 pm today.

Our Very First IUI

I would say that my doctor’s appt. yesterday was successful. Brad & I went in and met with the doctor to discuss what has been going on with the last tests that were done & to see where we go from here. They did some blood work and what they call a baseline (sonogram) to see where I am as far as follicles forming & all that stuff. Everything looked good, lining was good, so we decided to do our very first IUI (artificial insemination). We still have a few things to do to prep for the procedure, but in about 2-3 weeks we should be able to do it. She gave me a couple of prescriptions. 1 is called letrazole, she gave me this instead of Clomid which I have used numerous times. She also gave me a prescription for HCG. Now HCG is being used for a dietary thing, so its harder for the dr’s office to get, and so she gave me this prescription, I called ahead to my pharmacy asked if they had it in stock the woman said yes, and to make a long story short after several calls to different pharmacies in the area, no one has it or can order it because its not sold retail, which means I either have to order online or go to some place in b’ham if they have it. Waiting on the dr’s office to call me and tell me if they know of anyone that carries it in stock. Apparently only “Specialty Pharmacies” have this stuff. I know that herbal places carry it but I think it’s just the drops and this has to be injected in the dr’s office so, it’s been a headache. We are excited to start this new process, and understand that it may not work on the first try & for some couples it never works, but this is what we have been waiting for. I know that no matter what the doctors do, a baby is not possible without God therefore, for those of you who read this, if anyone does read this, please pray that God’s will be done, and if that means we will conceive via IUI then GREAT!! BUT if not, then we move on to the next option. I don’t know financially how many cycles we will be able to do, but I am willing to do whatever I possibly can to make sure we can do this. So, prayers are needed. Overall Good News yesterday, which was much needed!

Just some thoughts

Since not taking the progesterone pills, I have definitely leveled out. I don’t feel so out of balance. I kind of feel like myself, whatever that feels like. I keep thinking about our doctors appointment next week. I keep wondering what our next step will be. I wish that I didn’t have to wait so long, but I am grateful for the break in medication & tests. I would really like to try artificial insemination, and am excited to think about the possibility, but I know that whether we do IVF or Artificial Insemination that it doesn’t always take the first time, which means that it could take several attempts. I don’t really care how many attempts it takes as long as it takes, and we have a baby. There is a risk of multiples either way, but a higher risk with IVF (and I don’t know about Carrie & Brad + 8). How do you support that many mouths. It’s a little scary, but if that is what God wants for us then I guess we will figure it out. I am just ready to be a mommy. I think about it a lot, the thought of this little person calling me mommy. I never want to take it for granted, and I wish that others around me wouldn’t take it for granted either. Think about how empty their lives would be without their children, how every moment, every day is special and they should cherish it. I know parenting is not easy and at times it’s harder than I can imagine but to know that you were able to experience this miracle that God has given you. To know that you and no one else to make tears fade, pain go away, give comfort & love like no one else can. I just think about my mother and what she means to me and how sometimes she’s the only one that can make me feel better about things. I want to be that for our baby one day. I also want this hole in my heart to be filled with tears of joy from being pregnant, prayers & miracles coming true, the joy & laughter & all that comes with it when having a child. I want to not think about whether or not we will ever have a baby, I want to not get upset every time I see someone with a baby or someone pregnant, I want to not get jealous of everyone who has kids, I want to wake up and not think about not being pregnant or having kids one day, I want to not feel guilty because I can’t give the one man in this world that I would give my life for the one thing that I just cant give him right now, I want to stop worrying about being patient and learn from this experience, I want to stop wondering what is next, and will it ever happen. Five years is a long time, and I know that I have grown a lot in that time, and I still have a lot of growing to do. I would just like some kind of answers. What purpose do I have in all of this? What is God’s plan for me? What is His will for my life? What’s His Plan? I know people have waited longer to have kids, and I know in God’s time it will happen.  It doesn’t make the days any easier, until that time comes.

Great Results

Everything went good yesterday with the HSG test. There were no blockages & my uterus looked good as well (I guess as good as a uterus can look, lol). God has truly answered a lot of prayers, and I know that before long we are gonna have a baby !!