Just some thoughts

Since not taking the progesterone pills, I have definitely leveled out. I don’t feel so out of balance. I kind of feel like myself, whatever that feels like. I keep thinking about our doctors appointment next week. I keep wondering what our next step will be. I wish that I didn’t have to wait so long, but I am grateful for the break in medication & tests. I would really like to try artificial insemination, and am excited to think about the possibility, but I know that whether we do IVF or Artificial Insemination that it doesn’t always take the first time, which means that it could take several attempts. I don’t really care how many attempts it takes as long as it takes, and we have a baby. There is a risk of multiples either way, but a higher risk with IVF (and I don’t know about Carrie & Brad + 8). How do you support that many mouths. It’s a little scary, but if that is what God wants for us then I guess we will figure it out. I am just ready to be a mommy. I think about it a lot, the thought of this little person calling me mommy. I never want to take it for granted, and I wish that others around me wouldn’t take it for granted either. Think about how empty their lives would be without their children, how every moment, every day is special and they should cherish it. I know parenting is not easy and at times it’s harder than I can imagine but to know that you were able to experience this miracle that God has given you. To know that you and no one else to make tears fade, pain go away, give comfort & love like no one else can. I just think about my mother and what she means to me and how sometimes she’s the only one that can make me feel better about things. I want to be that for our baby one day. I also want this hole in my heart to be filled with tears of joy from being pregnant, prayers & miracles coming true, the joy & laughter & all that comes with it when having a child. I want to not think about whether or not we will ever have a baby, I want to not get upset every time I see someone with a baby or someone pregnant, I want to not get jealous of everyone who has kids, I want to wake up and not think about not being pregnant or having kids one day, I want to not feel guilty because I can’t give the one man in this world that I would give my life for the one thing that I just cant give him right now, I want to stop worrying about being patient and learn from this experience, I want to stop wondering what is next, and will it ever happen. Five years is a long time, and I know that I have grown a lot in that time, and I still have a lot of growing to do. I would just like some kind of answers. What purpose do I have in all of this? What is God’s plan for me? What is His will for my life? What’s His Plan? I know people have waited longer to have kids, and I know in God’s time it will happen.  It doesn’t make the days any easier, until that time comes.