Here's to 2015!

Most people celebrate a new year, new beginnings, set new goals, make resolutions, etc. At the beginning of every year of the last 9 years of my life I can't help but think another year has passed and I am still barren.

This year I will turn 29 years old and I realize that I have spent my 20's trying to conceive. When I look back on the last 9 years I can admit that in my early 20's even though I wanted to have a baby and know I would've been a pretty good mom I don't know that I could have fully appreciated what a miracle a child is. I wouldn't have had to suffer through as much heartache, I wouldn't have had to endure the physical pain and challenges that infertility brings but I also know that over the last 9 years I have grown and have become stronger in most aspects of my life.In knowing this if I could go back I don't think I would have done things any differently.

 I don't quite know why God has chosen this path for my life but I am pretty sure there is a purpose ("For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for Him" Philipians 1:29). Whatever purpose God has for my life I know that my pain and suffering will not be nothing.  I believe that is where faith comes in. My faith has grown stronger and though at times I catch myself saying "if I have kids" instead of "when I have kids" in my heart I KNOW God will keep His promises therefore I will be a mother.

All of that being said I feel more pressure than ever to make my last year in my 20's count! I know medically speaking that my fertility will drop in my 30's and though many people conceive in their 30's it isn't the same for everyone. I always thought that by the time I was 30 I would be finished having children, but that just goes to show you that no matter what we have planned for our lives in the end we inevitable have no control over most things in our lives. God has the ultimate upper hand on control. Being human and not having control of our own lives can drive you insane. We feel the need to be in control because it gives us a sense of peace in knowing that when things get rough we can just figure it out and fix it. Some things can't just be fixed. My body is broken and in order to fix it I need more than to just shed a few pounds or take a combination of special drugs that the fertility doctor gives me. Ultimately I have to surrender my all to God and put my future in His hands and have faith that His plan will come together perfectly as He had intended it to be. I want to fight back and say "NO I want to have babies now, I don't want to wait another 2, 5 or 10 years" but when it comes down to it I would wait until I drew my last breath to be a mother. So, if I have no control over when I will have my babies then why do I feel pressure to have a baby by next year? Because it's what I WANT. It may happen or it may not happen either way I will try to make my last year in my 20's as little about making babies as possible and more about focusing on my health & happiness.

So, no resolutions for 2015 just hopes that it will be a happier, healthier and more fun year than all of my 20's put together!

Here's to 2015!

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From Barren to Baby: Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect...

From Barren to Baby: Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect...: I haven't posted to my blog in a long time, but I feel that it is something that I should begin doing again. So many things have happe...

Everything happens for a reason and in His Perfect Timing

I haven't posted to my blog in a long time, but I feel that it is something that I should begin doing again.

So many things have happened in the last year in our lives yet so much has remained the same.

In January of 2013 we made the decision to pursue foster/adoption through our County's DHR program. We went through the GPS classes & all that entails. After completing 80% of the process we had to put things on hold. Once again financial strains limited us from being able to move forward with our dream to become parents. In the world that we live in these days, everyone is struggling, most are living pay check to pay check and it takes everything they have to make ends meet. In combination with some risky chances we took, poor financial decisions among other things we lost our home in October of 2013 to foreclosure. We knew that it was coming and made the decision to put our dream on hold for a little longer.

We packed up all the things from our first home that we had ever purchased and moved into a townhouse close by. Most of our friends and family weren't told about our hard times. Mostly from shame and embarrassment, and to protect ourselves from judgment that we knew would surely come our way.

I went through (and still struggle) with depression and anxiety. I have struggled with the both for a large part of my life, but it has always been manageable. With the heartache of another failed attempt to become a mother, losing our home, and also my car, security, stability, etc. I hit rock bottom.

Instead to lashing out, I withdrew myself from the world. Throwing myself into work and not much else. I wanted to wallow in my own self pity.

In addition to my personal life falling to pieces, I wasn't happy with my career. The negatives outweighed the positives to the job, and the truth was I was burnt out and had been for a long time. An opportunity presented itself to me, and after much prayer and speaking with family and friends, I decided that I (we) had to take a step of faith, and know that God was opening this door for us. The day that I turned in my 2 week notice was the day that we received Brad's letter from Honda saying that they were considering him for a permanent associate position. After two long years, of struggling financially, battling with the choices that we made, everything was coming back together.

Since January, I feel that my this aching in my chest is not quite as overwhelming. My faith has been restored and I know that faith is not supposed to be like that, but I think in our case God knew what we needed.

Everyday is a challenge. To get up and decide am I gonna feel sorry for myself and what I have lost or am I gonna look to the future at what I could gain. Most days I try to look forward, but there are days when I can't help but look back.

I have faith that God is completely in control and I know that big things are coming to us this year.

Everything happens for a reason and in His perfect timing.

One day (I believe soon) I will be a mother. I have waited 7 long years, and maybe will have to wait 7 more, but I know in my heart that God has a reason.

The Missing Piece

I look around and all I see

Are the places where you should be,

Here in my arms held so tight,

At home to tuck you in at night.

I try to see the world without you,

But each day gets harder to get through.

Tired of this aching, drowning desire,

Will someone please help douse this fire?

It’s burning me up from the inside out,

So lost without you day in and day out.

I just want the chance to be your mommy,

Am I being punished? If so, I am sorry.

I can be better I promise I’ll try,

I’ll do what He wants and even abide,

I’ll tell everyone about his amazing grace,

If just one time I could see your sweet face.

I’ll shout to the roof tops that He is king,

If just one time I could feel complete.

Bargaining with Him is not the plan,

I just want to be given a chance.

A chance to be the best mom ever,

A chance to completely feel together.

Your absence it’s gets bigger each day,

It will never ever go away.

My heart it breaks, it shatters each time,

I hear the news of another with child.

I don’t wish bad things for them,

It’s just too hard to not feel.

The grief from the loss of your absence,

The missing part of my existence.

Maybe one day I will feel complete,

Maybe not, but I guess we will see.

 

The Empty Room

Sometimes I sit in silence in the room that would be our nursery. My heart aches so much to know that it may never be filled with the cries, laughter, and joy of our child or children. It is hard to understand why this has happened to us when we feel so deserving. I wish that the world would understand that this desire that I have doesn't come from a place of selfishness or "want'' but a deeply rooted desire for my life to be complete with a family full of children of our own. Though I know that we may never have our own biological children, I am determined to not let the room be empty forever. One day, somehow, our home willl be filled with the laughter, cries, pitter pattering feet of our children. Until that day nothing can fill the void of knowing you were meant for something more than you have been given.

As I sit in this empty room & I hear the sounds of your absence,

It lingers in the spaces between and fills it with silence.

Your presence dwells within the walls of my beating heart,

It aches each day to know that it may never be able to part.

To part with the dwelling aching deep inside of my soul,

Could it relinquish its hold on my heart and let its flight take its toll.

Will it ever go away this aching inside of my chest,

Or will it decide to stay until the day they lay my body to rest.

To know you are meant for more than what this life is giving,

To know that you have more love to give than what He is allowing.

The absent sounds grows louder with each new passing day,

This aching in my soul it grows more and more, it never goes away.

If just one time I could hold you close maybe it would flee,

But until that moment comes within the walls of heart you will be.

I wish to be your mommy and hope one day it comes true,

Until the day arrives I will listen to the sounds of this empty room.

Why Can't It Be ME

You speak the words I long to speak,

“I’m pregnant” sounds so simple so sweet.

Fragile miracle growing inside,

Can’t replace the love for a child.

Aching back and swollen feet,

Sleepless nights & mood swings.

You don’t want it but I do,

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

It was a mistake an accident,

Babies don’t come by coincidence.

His plan is perfect and so is this life,

You can’t erase it or try to hide.

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

Is it punishment for things that I do?

I pray and plead oh please let it be me,

But His plan is unknown and can’t be seen.

One day I will speak the words that I seek,

As His plan comes together I’ll weep.

To speak the words so simple so sweet,

“I’m Pregnant” and it will finally be me.

Let Go & Let God

I guess for anyone reading this blog that doesn’t already our journey is far from over. It has been about 10 months since my last post, and so much has happened. I continued to participate in the PCOS research study at UAB through June. Then, I went to see a new specialist for a 2^nd opinion. Her opinion was the same as my 1^st specialist. In June I launched a support group for anyone battling with infertility or going through the adoption process. The group has given me new purpose. I do struggle with whether or not I am actually making a difference at all, but I hope that one day I will see that something positive came out of all of this. I hope that in some way I could make a difference in the lives of the ones that are going through the same things that I have. In the recent months, many around us have announced that they are expecting. It is extremely hard to see your friends and loved ones move forward with their lives, to see their families grow, and yet somehow you seem to be standing still. Just when you think you have made some progress in dealing with your emotions someone says those two words you long to say “I’m Pregnant” and all that work you put into being strong and growing as an individual goes out the window. Your heart breaks and there is nothing you can do. I think so many don’t understand how to approach the situation when you have someone in your family that is struggling with infertility. When you become pregnant how do you tell them? Well, I can tell you this blurting it out, sending it in a text message or seeing it in Facebook is not the way to go. If it is someone close have the courtesy to pull them aside and share the news. I think in taking two minutes to tell them in person shows that you care about what they are going through, and you are concerned with their feelings. Someone very close to us had the courtesy to do this, and it meant the world to us. In addition to the support group, I have also been writing periodically in a newsletter for an adoption agency that circulates nationwide. Recently, Brad and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are in the early stages right now. We are beginning with DHR and I have looked into several adoption agencies, and adoption grants, etc. We begin our classes through DHR in 2 weeks. I have mixed emotions about it, but I am excited. We have a long way to go, but we have come so far. I can’t give up on becoming the mother I know that I am meant to be. I am just going to try my best to let God guide my decisions, and see where it takes us.