The Missing Piece

I look around and all I see

Are the places where you should be,

Here in my arms held so tight,

At home to tuck you in at night.

I try to see the world without you,

But each day gets harder to get through.

Tired of this aching, drowning desire,

Will someone please help douse this fire?

It’s burning me up from the inside out,

So lost without you day in and day out.

I just want the chance to be your mommy,

Am I being punished? If so, I am sorry.

I can be better I promise I’ll try,

I’ll do what He wants and even abide,

I’ll tell everyone about his amazing grace,

If just one time I could see your sweet face.

I’ll shout to the roof tops that He is king,

If just one time I could feel complete.

Bargaining with Him is not the plan,

I just want to be given a chance.

A chance to be the best mom ever,

A chance to completely feel together.

Your absence it’s gets bigger each day,

It will never ever go away.

My heart it breaks, it shatters each time,

I hear the news of another with child.

I don’t wish bad things for them,

It’s just too hard to not feel.

The grief from the loss of your absence,

The missing part of my existence.

Maybe one day I will feel complete,

Maybe not, but I guess we will see.

 

The Empty Room

Sometimes I sit in silence in the room that would be our nursery. My heart aches so much to know that it may never be filled with the cries, laughter, and joy of our child or children. It is hard to understand why this has happened to us when we feel so deserving. I wish that the world would understand that this desire that I have doesn't come from a place of selfishness or "want'' but a deeply rooted desire for my life to be complete with a family full of children of our own. Though I know that we may never have our own biological children, I am determined to not let the room be empty forever. One day, somehow, our home willl be filled with the laughter, cries, pitter pattering feet of our children. Until that day nothing can fill the void of knowing you were meant for something more than you have been given.

As I sit in this empty room & I hear the sounds of your absence,

It lingers in the spaces between and fills it with silence.

Your presence dwells within the walls of my beating heart,

It aches each day to know that it may never be able to part.

To part with the dwelling aching deep inside of my soul,

Could it relinquish its hold on my heart and let its flight take its toll.

Will it ever go away this aching inside of my chest,

Or will it decide to stay until the day they lay my body to rest.

To know you are meant for more than what this life is giving,

To know that you have more love to give than what He is allowing.

The absent sounds grows louder with each new passing day,

This aching in my soul it grows more and more, it never goes away.

If just one time I could hold you close maybe it would flee,

But until that moment comes within the walls of heart you will be.

I wish to be your mommy and hope one day it comes true,

Until the day arrives I will listen to the sounds of this empty room.

Why Can't It Be ME

You speak the words I long to speak,

“I’m pregnant” sounds so simple so sweet.

Fragile miracle growing inside,

Can’t replace the love for a child.

Aching back and swollen feet,

Sleepless nights & mood swings.

You don’t want it but I do,

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

It was a mistake an accident,

Babies don’t come by coincidence.

His plan is perfect and so is this life,

You can’t erase it or try to hide.

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

Is it punishment for things that I do?

I pray and plead oh please let it be me,

But His plan is unknown and can’t be seen.

One day I will speak the words that I seek,

As His plan comes together I’ll weep.

To speak the words so simple so sweet,

“I’m Pregnant” and it will finally be me.

Let Go & Let God

I guess for anyone reading this blog that doesn’t already our journey is far from over. It has been about 10 months since my last post, and so much has happened. I continued to participate in the PCOS research study at UAB through June. Then, I went to see a new specialist for a 2^nd opinion. Her opinion was the same as my 1^st specialist. In June I launched a support group for anyone battling with infertility or going through the adoption process. The group has given me new purpose. I do struggle with whether or not I am actually making a difference at all, but I hope that one day I will see that something positive came out of all of this. I hope that in some way I could make a difference in the lives of the ones that are going through the same things that I have. In the recent months, many around us have announced that they are expecting. It is extremely hard to see your friends and loved ones move forward with their lives, to see their families grow, and yet somehow you seem to be standing still. Just when you think you have made some progress in dealing with your emotions someone says those two words you long to say “I’m Pregnant” and all that work you put into being strong and growing as an individual goes out the window. Your heart breaks and there is nothing you can do. I think so many don’t understand how to approach the situation when you have someone in your family that is struggling with infertility. When you become pregnant how do you tell them? Well, I can tell you this blurting it out, sending it in a text message or seeing it in Facebook is not the way to go. If it is someone close have the courtesy to pull them aside and share the news. I think in taking two minutes to tell them in person shows that you care about what they are going through, and you are concerned with their feelings. Someone very close to us had the courtesy to do this, and it meant the world to us. In addition to the support group, I have also been writing periodically in a newsletter for an adoption agency that circulates nationwide. Recently, Brad and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are in the early stages right now. We are beginning with DHR and I have looked into several adoption agencies, and adoption grants, etc. We begin our classes through DHR in 2 weeks. I have mixed emotions about it, but I am excited. We have a long way to go, but we have come so far. I can’t give up on becoming the mother I know that I am meant to be. I am just going to try my best to let God guide my decisions, and see where it takes us. 

A New Venture

It has been a while since I posted on my blog, and nothing has progressed with my “journey”, but there are some new developments. So, I have been involved with this research group at UAB for PCOS and that is going good. I have lost 20 lbs on the diet and exercise plan they have me on. I feel better about myself, and feel like I am making some progress in me being a healthier, happier person. I have really been thinking about everything that has happened over the course of 5 years, and the number of people that I have come into contact with along the way. There are so many people around me that have been diagnosed with PCOS or have been struggling with infertility. I really feel that God gave me this heart, and soul that I have for a purpose. I really want to help other women/couples that have been through or are going through the same thing that we have. I want to give them a voice, and to be able to share knowledge with someone that may not know what to expect and help them cope with all the feelings that they have. I searched for a local infertility support group. The closest one that I could find is in Homewood. I have contact RESOLVE (The National Infertility Association), and would like to start a peer led support group. RESOLVE is going to help me market my group, and get it started. I am very excited about the possibility of turning this negative into a positive and making a difference. I just want to find HIS purpose and plan in all of this. If no one shows up to the meetings then at least I can say that I tried. So, we’ll see how it goes.

When will that day come

When will the day come that you will here,

When will the time come too long I fear.

Too long to wait to see your sweet face,

Will it take too long and waiver my faith.

When will the day come that I can feel you grow,

When will the day come I may never really know.

They say it gets easier that I should let you go,

But deep down I know I will never say so.

I know that you are waiting in Heaven above,

To come see me and daddy to let us wrap you in love.

To say I give up will never be true,

I will never stop fighting for the day I get to meet you.

I know in my heart that to me you belong,

Waiting for the day we get to bring you home.

When will that day come I hope that  it’s soon,

But until that day we will be preparing for you.

Feeling Like A Lab Rat

I went for my very first tests for the Clinical Research Study for PCOS on Monday. The first two tests were RMR (resting metabolic rate)  (measures how much energy you burn while resting) and DXA (bone density). For the first (RMR) test I was in a hospital bed for about 40 minutes, 30 of which is spent with what I like to call and astronaut’s helmet over my head. Let me just say this, I don’t think that I am claustrophobic, but I have to say that having this little helmet like thing over your head for 30 minutes will make you a little anxious. At first I was a little uneasy, thinking what if there’s not enough oxygen, what if I forget to breathe right. Then, after my initial small panic I realized if I’m going to make it I’m going to have to let my mind go elsewhere. So, I begin to focus on the only thing I have in my vision, the ceiling tiles. I begin to count the number of tiles on this ceiling, and then when that gets old, I count the number of cracked or disfigured tiles, after about 60 seconds I am done, and left with the realization that this could possibly be the LONGEST 30 minutes of my life.  After about 10-15 minutes of this constant mental battle with myself, my eyelids start getting really heavy. I had to get up at 4 that morning to get to UAB on time. I hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before because I like a dummy decided to take a little afternoon nap on Sunday (I cant do this and still sleep at night, I can barely sleep at night without a nap). Anyway, so my eyelids are so heavy that I spend the remaining 15+ minutes focusing on trying to stay awake. Then I have to go pee on a stick to make sure I am not pregnant. So, she gives me the pregnancy test, and I got to the PUBLIC bathroom where this woman in the next stall is handling her business. Those who know me know that I struggle with peeing in public places or just peeing in general (its psychological, I know). So, I am trying to concentrate and I don’t do well peeing on Q, and I’m really trying to focus because this woman in the next stall is making her presence known, and I’m just trying to get this done. So, I finally manage to pee just enough for the test to work. She then takes me to this other room when I lie on table and this thing that looks like a MRI/Scanner runs this arm along my body (DXA Test). It was over and done and on to the next thing.

So, then Friday I go in for the MEAL CHALLENGE test that last 5 hours.  I fast the night before nothing to eat or drink except water from 7pm on Thursday until noon on Friday. First of all I got a little lost trying to find my way to where I needed to be for the testing. I turned into the wrong parking deck, then parked in the faculty parking area, where a very nice lady helped me find my way to the correct elevator. They took me to a small room with a bed, & a tv. She goes to try and find a good vein to start an IV and she cant find a strong enough vein in my arm so she has to put it in my hand. The vein in my hand was less than cooperative the whole day. My hand got to cold so nothing would come out, EVERY Time she went to take blood she had to pull on my hand to get the blood to come out. By the 3^rd hour my hand was so sore. Anyways, so after the first hour they made me drink 2 bottles of ensure within 5 minutes, this was not to bad and helped with the hunger pains, then we moved on to taking blood every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours, the last hour was just 2 blood draws and then at 12 it was over. The nurse was nice enough to give me a map with instructions on how to find my way back to my car, which I didn’t have any trouble finding. When I went to leave the parking deck I made a wrong turn and spent the next hour trying to find my way back to the interstate. After pulling over a few times, driving from one end of town to the other, a call to my husband who was unable to lead me the right way, a failed attempt to pull up navigation on my phone because in the middle of my dilemma it wanted me to UDPATE, needless to say I was on the brink of a meltdown. I some how got turned the right way and found my way back to the interstate. I was supposed to go back @ 5 pm that day for an MRI but called & cancelled. By the time I got home I had a sick headache from not eating, and probably from the stress of the day, I layed down and took a 4 hour nap, and that was that. Atleast next time I will be a little more prepared.