My Heart & My Head Aren't Agreeing

My call from the Nurse didn’t go quite as I had expected. We weren’t able to do insemination this time due to my progesterone and estrogen levels not being where they needed to. I understand the doctor’s decision to not move forward with the insemination this time, because I know that she knows what is best for me in that aspect. I would much rather be safe, than sorry especially when it comes to something like this. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get upset, but my heart thought otherwise. I had somewhat of what I would call a “meltdown” at work. Not exactly the response I had expected from myself, but whether I expected it or not it still happened. I have told myself through this process that this time was going to be different, this time I will not allow myself to break, this time I will be strong, this time it won’t bring me down. Well, apparently my head and my heart are not on the same page. Not to say that I don’t have strong days, or good days, because I really do, but those bad days are becoming a little more often than I would like. So, anyways back to the medical end of this, I am supposed to go to the clinic in the morning so that they can do blood work to check my progesterone levels then next week I will go in and they will do a pregnancy test, at least that’s the plan. Even though I wasn’t able to be inseminated I am still on a “plan” this month. It is the same process that we have done several times before this with Clomid but this time I used Letrozole ( I am hoping maybe this just wasn’t a good medication for me, maybe that’s why my progesterone wasn’t high enough ?). So, yes there is a chance that I could be pregnant or get pregnant, but I won’t allow myself to think anything other than this is just another stepping stone. I know now that even though we may be planning to do insemination for the next cycle we may not be able to, there is always a chance so while I will try to be optimistic I will not get my hopes up like I did this time.

To anyone that is curious about how all this plays into my marriage let me just say this, fertility or infertility definitely puts a strain on your relationships with other people mainly your relationship with you spouse. It can really put things to the test. There are a lot of issues there that have to be dealt with daily. I feel like if you put God first and your marriage second then things will be fine. Through all of this we have grown a lot, for the most part we have grown together and closed to one another, but there are also times when I don’t know if we could be more distant. I have learned that there is no way possible that we could make it through all of this without each other, and the love and support from family and friends. I have learned that without a strong relationship, love, understanding, and patience you could very easily be torn apart. So, I am very lucky to have such a strong husband who has 100% been there through all of this.

We talked about “getting away” this weekend, wanted to get in the car & drive. I thought it would help us to have some fun and just not think about everything that is going on. Our weekend away turned into 12 hours away, yesterday. We had fun, and just enjoyed spending time together. We decided to go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. This probably wasn’t the best choice of places to go considering the place was covered with families with children & babies, but it was a good time. It was definitely needed, and I think it helped us to unwind a little bit.  

Insemination & Inspiration

I was hoping to be inseminated this weekend, but I haven’t ovulated so Brad and I made an early trip to the Doctor’s office this morning. They did a sonogram to check and see if I had any follicles or anything. She found 2 follicles, and did some blood work. If my LH levels are low then I will go back Wednesday for the HCG shot, and then we will move forward with the insemination. IF the levels are high then I believe we will have to wait until next month. I am a little disappointed but I know things are just not going happen in my time, but God’s time. I have to say that I feel like through this process I haven’t stopped growing as a person. I have learned a lot about myself, and my marriage, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God (most importantly). Sometimes it’s hard to accept certain things in your life, and move on from them. It’s just part of life. We may not like certain things that happen, the way people act around us, etc. but dwelling on those things is not gonna help anyone or anything. So, I have decided to just live. Stop worrying over every little thing that I can’t control. I don’t want to be upset with the people that I thought would be there for us but aren’t there in the ways that we want them to be. Everyone has their own lives, and I know that everyone is happy for us, and they just don’t have the time to check in or maybe they just don’t think about it, or maybe they don’t want to bring it up and make things uncomfortable for us, but a simple “hey, how are things going or hey if you need to talk” just an I love you and I’m here to offer support is helpful during this time. I know that everyone has their own stuff, and a lot of people have reached out to me through this blog, and that in itself means a lot. I just hope that maybe one day what we have been through can in some way help someone else. I should know the results of the blood work by 5 pm today.

Our Very First IUI

I would say that my doctor’s appt. yesterday was successful. Brad & I went in and met with the doctor to discuss what has been going on with the last tests that were done & to see where we go from here. They did some blood work and what they call a baseline (sonogram) to see where I am as far as follicles forming & all that stuff. Everything looked good, lining was good, so we decided to do our very first IUI (artificial insemination). We still have a few things to do to prep for the procedure, but in about 2-3 weeks we should be able to do it. She gave me a couple of prescriptions. 1 is called letrazole, she gave me this instead of Clomid which I have used numerous times. She also gave me a prescription for HCG. Now HCG is being used for a dietary thing, so its harder for the dr’s office to get, and so she gave me this prescription, I called ahead to my pharmacy asked if they had it in stock the woman said yes, and to make a long story short after several calls to different pharmacies in the area, no one has it or can order it because its not sold retail, which means I either have to order online or go to some place in b’ham if they have it. Waiting on the dr’s office to call me and tell me if they know of anyone that carries it in stock. Apparently only “Specialty Pharmacies” have this stuff. I know that herbal places carry it but I think it’s just the drops and this has to be injected in the dr’s office so, it’s been a headache. We are excited to start this new process, and understand that it may not work on the first try & for some couples it never works, but this is what we have been waiting for. I know that no matter what the doctors do, a baby is not possible without God therefore, for those of you who read this, if anyone does read this, please pray that God’s will be done, and if that means we will conceive via IUI then GREAT!! BUT if not, then we move on to the next option. I don’t know financially how many cycles we will be able to do, but I am willing to do whatever I possibly can to make sure we can do this. So, prayers are needed. Overall Good News yesterday, which was much needed!

Just some thoughts

Since not taking the progesterone pills, I have definitely leveled out. I don’t feel so out of balance. I kind of feel like myself, whatever that feels like. I keep thinking about our doctors appointment next week. I keep wondering what our next step will be. I wish that I didn’t have to wait so long, but I am grateful for the break in medication & tests. I would really like to try artificial insemination, and am excited to think about the possibility, but I know that whether we do IVF or Artificial Insemination that it doesn’t always take the first time, which means that it could take several attempts. I don’t really care how many attempts it takes as long as it takes, and we have a baby. There is a risk of multiples either way, but a higher risk with IVF (and I don’t know about Carrie & Brad + 8). How do you support that many mouths. It’s a little scary, but if that is what God wants for us then I guess we will figure it out. I am just ready to be a mommy. I think about it a lot, the thought of this little person calling me mommy. I never want to take it for granted, and I wish that others around me wouldn’t take it for granted either. Think about how empty their lives would be without their children, how every moment, every day is special and they should cherish it. I know parenting is not easy and at times it’s harder than I can imagine but to know that you were able to experience this miracle that God has given you. To know that you and no one else to make tears fade, pain go away, give comfort & love like no one else can. I just think about my mother and what she means to me and how sometimes she’s the only one that can make me feel better about things. I want to be that for our baby one day. I also want this hole in my heart to be filled with tears of joy from being pregnant, prayers & miracles coming true, the joy & laughter & all that comes with it when having a child. I want to not think about whether or not we will ever have a baby, I want to not get upset every time I see someone with a baby or someone pregnant, I want to not get jealous of everyone who has kids, I want to wake up and not think about not being pregnant or having kids one day, I want to not feel guilty because I can’t give the one man in this world that I would give my life for the one thing that I just cant give him right now, I want to stop worrying about being patient and learn from this experience, I want to stop wondering what is next, and will it ever happen. Five years is a long time, and I know that I have grown a lot in that time, and I still have a lot of growing to do. I would just like some kind of answers. What purpose do I have in all of this? What is God’s plan for me? What is His will for my life? What’s His Plan? I know people have waited longer to have kids, and I know in God’s time it will happen.  It doesn’t make the days any easier, until that time comes.

Great Results

Everything went good yesterday with the HSG test. There were no blockages & my uterus looked good as well (I guess as good as a uterus can look, lol). God has truly answered a lot of prayers, and I know that before long we are gonna have a baby !!

More Tests

I had a Dr’s appt yesterday. They did a sonogram to check the lining of my uterus. It has finally thinned out! YAY! Now, they have me scheduled for an HSG test tomorrow.

“During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall (WebMD)”

This will be my second time having this done. Really not looking forward to it, but it must be done. After the results of the HSG test comes back , we then will do a follow up with the doctor & she will discuss options of medications, treatments, IVF, etc. I know everything is gonna be ok with this test & we are progressing.

I also, wanted to ask anyone reading this to please pray for a friend of mine. She lost her baby last week. She’s having a tough time, and I know that its not gonna get easier anytime soon. She was about to go into her second tri-mester. I thank God that we havent had to experience this, and pray that we never will.

Good News

Got my test results back from the biopsy Monday. Nurse called yesterday and said everything is ok. I am not going to have to have a D&C, and they are taking me off birth control, finally. I am to start taking prometrium (progesterone pills) today. I think my ovaries are getting whip lash from all this start period stop period start period stop period. Anyways, can’t say how totally excited I am to finally be off the birth control! After I start I will have to go in for a sonogram then they will schedule the HSG test (dye test where they inject dye into your tubes to check for blockages—EEEK- not looking forward to that). I am so thankful for God taking control and taking care of this for us. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am without HIM. I am optimistic that everything is going to work out the way that God has planned, and we will have a baby soon.