The Empty Room

Sometimes I sit in silence in the room that would be our nursery. My heart aches so much to know that it may never be filled with the cries, laughter, and joy of our child or children. It is hard to understand why this has happened to us when we feel so deserving. I wish that the world would understand that this desire that I have doesn't come from a place of selfishness or "want'' but a deeply rooted desire for my life to be complete with a family full of children of our own. Though I know that we may never have our own biological children, I am determined to not let the room be empty forever. One day, somehow, our home willl be filled with the laughter, cries, pitter pattering feet of our children. Until that day nothing can fill the void of knowing you were meant for something more than you have been given.

As I sit in this empty room & I hear the sounds of your absence,

It lingers in the spaces between and fills it with silence.

Your presence dwells within the walls of my beating heart,

It aches each day to know that it may never be able to part.

To part with the dwelling aching deep inside of my soul,

Could it relinquish its hold on my heart and let its flight take its toll.

Will it ever go away this aching inside of my chest,

Or will it decide to stay until the day they lay my body to rest.

To know you are meant for more than what this life is giving,

To know that you have more love to give than what He is allowing.

The absent sounds grows louder with each new passing day,

This aching in my soul it grows more and more, it never goes away.

If just one time I could hold you close maybe it would flee,

But until that moment comes within the walls of heart you will be.

I wish to be your mommy and hope one day it comes true,

Until the day arrives I will listen to the sounds of this empty room.

Why Can't It Be ME

You speak the words I long to speak,

“I’m pregnant” sounds so simple so sweet.

Fragile miracle growing inside,

Can’t replace the love for a child.

Aching back and swollen feet,

Sleepless nights & mood swings.

You don’t want it but I do,

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

It was a mistake an accident,

Babies don’t come by coincidence.

His plan is perfect and so is this life,

You can’t erase it or try to hide.

Why can’t it be me instead of you?

Is it punishment for things that I do?

I pray and plead oh please let it be me,

But His plan is unknown and can’t be seen.

One day I will speak the words that I seek,

As His plan comes together I’ll weep.

To speak the words so simple so sweet,

“I’m Pregnant” and it will finally be me.

Let Go & Let God

I guess for anyone reading this blog that doesn’t already our journey is far from over. It has been about 10 months since my last post, and so much has happened. I continued to participate in the PCOS research study at UAB through June. Then, I went to see a new specialist for a 2^nd opinion. Her opinion was the same as my 1^st specialist. In June I launched a support group for anyone battling with infertility or going through the adoption process. The group has given me new purpose. I do struggle with whether or not I am actually making a difference at all, but I hope that one day I will see that something positive came out of all of this. I hope that in some way I could make a difference in the lives of the ones that are going through the same things that I have. In the recent months, many around us have announced that they are expecting. It is extremely hard to see your friends and loved ones move forward with their lives, to see their families grow, and yet somehow you seem to be standing still. Just when you think you have made some progress in dealing with your emotions someone says those two words you long to say “I’m Pregnant” and all that work you put into being strong and growing as an individual goes out the window. Your heart breaks and there is nothing you can do. I think so many don’t understand how to approach the situation when you have someone in your family that is struggling with infertility. When you become pregnant how do you tell them? Well, I can tell you this blurting it out, sending it in a text message or seeing it in Facebook is not the way to go. If it is someone close have the courtesy to pull them aside and share the news. I think in taking two minutes to tell them in person shows that you care about what they are going through, and you are concerned with their feelings. Someone very close to us had the courtesy to do this, and it meant the world to us. In addition to the support group, I have also been writing periodically in a newsletter for an adoption agency that circulates nationwide. Recently, Brad and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are in the early stages right now. We are beginning with DHR and I have looked into several adoption agencies, and adoption grants, etc. We begin our classes through DHR in 2 weeks. I have mixed emotions about it, but I am excited. We have a long way to go, but we have come so far. I can’t give up on becoming the mother I know that I am meant to be. I am just going to try my best to let God guide my decisions, and see where it takes us.