There Won't Always Be 2

It’s so hard to believe that we are fastly approaching the end to another year. When I started this blog I was so sure that I would be finishing the year with exciting news of welcoming our first baby. Sadly that is not how we are ending this year. I have really been dealing with that lately. I have been thinking a lot lately about why God would give me the desire to be a mother, but not actually be able to do that. To live a life feeling unfulfilled or only half complete is no way to live. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of good things. My life is full of love, and friendship and family and I am very fortunate. I know that God has this plan for my life. One that I don’t understand right now, and that plan is perfect. I know that I finish this year, a little stronger, a littler wiser, and a little more patient (not a whole lot more, but I’m making some progress). These are the things that God wants me to grow in. He wants me to become a stronger Christian, A stronger wife, a stronger friend, maybe He’s preparing me for the day when I actually do become a mother. He wants me to be more patient. Not just with big things like this, but with the little things. God allows these obstacles in our lives, not as punishment but as tools to help us grow as stronger, more faithful, and more patient believers and followers of Christ. I believe that this next year is going to bring many changes in my life, and the lives of those around me. I would like to spend the next year not stressing about pregnancy or what to do next. I would like to just focus on myself and becoming healthier & more confident. I have to say that I don’t regret any decisions that I have made because it has all brought me to this point, but I might have done a few things differently along the way.

Christmas Day was pretty rough for me this year (holidays are always rough). I spent a lot of the day stuck in my own head, trying to distract myself and just ended up distancing myself from everyone. I guess I am not as good at hiding my feelings as I would like to think that I am. Anyways, we went over to watch my niece & nephew open presents Christmas morning. I think being present for that really helped. My brother sent me this later that night, and it meant a lot to me.

There won't always be 2, soon our father will make that one special dream come true. All the pain, the heartache, the tears that you've cried, will soon be replaced with joy and pride. Your heart will soon grow, it will double in size, for there is no love greater than the love for your child. It won't always be two, soon your house will grow, no longer quite, late nights, no sleep, the pitter patter of little feet. A mothers journey begins, her life will soon change, for all that she knows will be rearranged. Nothing else will matter, nothing else will compare to that little heart beating, to the love that you share. When the time comes all else fades away, you'll thank the lord above every single day. There won't always be two, maybe three or four, after the first I pray there are more. Until your heart is content and your family has grown, I'll pray every day till you bring your child home. For my baby sister. I love you and wish for nothing but your happiness

Waiting

Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the things that we are blessed with and not focus on what we don’t have. I am learning that you have to keep your mind of the positive and not the negative and I admit sometimes I guess I wallow too much in my own pity and not understand why, why, why. I don’t have to understand why right now, I just have to know that He Is and He will. I think that I may forget sometimes how blessed I really am. Thanking God for his many blessings and truly feeling in your heart that He has blessed you, goes a long way. Every morning as I’m driving on my way to work I talk to God and thank Him for my many blessings and for giving me this day to live when He didn’t have to. Some days I have to admit that even though those words come out of my mouth, I may not really acknowledge those things. I know that I can take people and things for granted always thinking they are gonna be there but nothing and no one is promised tomorrow. I want to stop living in my own depressed state of why God why, Please God please, me, me, me, me, me. What about God’s plan, What about God’s Will. He has the perfect plan for me and though I struggle with what that plan is, I know in time He will reveal that to me. One of the hardest things about our struggle is waiting. I feel by sitting here and not going to the doctor & pushing and struggling to get pregnant that I am doing nothing. Sometimes it just takes doing nothing & giving it to God for something to happen. A co-worker & friend gave me this morning devotional this morning and it spoke to me and the way that I have been feeling. Here is a portion of what it read:

“We often equate “wait” with “waste”. If we’re waiting for something or someone, we think we are doing nothing, which, in an accomplishment-crazed culture, seems like a waste of time. By waiting serves many purposes. In Particular, it proves our faith. Those whose faith is weak are often the first to give up waiting, while those with strongest faith are willing to wait indefinitely. Not receiving an immediate answer to prayer is no reason to give up faith.” So, by waiting its not doing nothing its just waiting on for God’s plan to come together. I definitely have struggled with faith and everything else I think that I could possibly struggle with, but I am kind of starting to feel like maybe I am coming out of the other side and it has made me stronger. I have to push myself each day so that I don’t lose myself in all of this because I definitely have become a little lost. I feel like I am just sitting in the same place & life is passing me by. I have to enjoy the life that God has given me, and focus on the good things and not the bad. Easier said than done, but atleast I can say that I am trying. My struggle is not to just have a baby and be a mother and do all the things that I have imagined doing, but also to find my purpose in this life. I think in having a baby I felt that I would feel like I was living a full life with purpose and meaning and without that I am not quite sure where I should be or who I am.

Where do we go from here?

Where do I start? Let’s start with Monday. Monday was a day for the record books. It was an awful terrible day at work. At the end of the day that didn’t seem to end, I sat down at one of the desks  in the office and a sudden sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen (where my female organs are). At first I thought that it was just the normal ovarian cyst pains that occur sometimes. The pain didn’t ease us. It was intense sharp pains that were constant and it was all the way across my lower stomach area. I knew that I had a cyst on my right ovary and a cyst on my left ovary, but didn’t really know what was going on because the pain was so awfully bad. I tried to move but couldn’t, I forgot to breathe it hurt so bad. Eventually I managed to get up and go to my regular desk and turned my fan on, I was sweating from the pain, craziness, anyways so a co-worked asked what was wrong and I explained what I felt and she asked “Are you sure it’s not gas”. I calmly said “Yea, I’m pretty sure its not gas.” Then I took some advil and after about 30 mins of this pain, it finally eased up, It didn’t stop completely but did ease up enough for me to function. I was so scared. I have never had pain to last that long and to be that intense before. All that night I still had some pain, and a feeling of pressure or soreness on the inside. I had a doctors appt with the fertility doctor Tuesday morning so I just decided to let them check me then. After a sonogram they explained that I had a cyst to rupture on my left ovary. They gave me some pain meds and just said to give it a few days and I would be ok.

Now onto Tuesday & the rest of the doctor’s visit. My appt was @ 8am to have a blood pregnancy test done. The test was negative. Then my appt to speak with the doctor was at 9am. So we go in to talk to the doctor and she’s reviewing everything and we talk about the cysts and what a pain they have been through all of this and then the worst thing happens. She tells us that we have choice she can do the shots for our next round of treatments. Shots that I would have to give myself @ home, but if we do the shots more than likely it would cause more cysts and cause the ones that I already have to get larger and cause more pain, etc. She said that the best option for us because of the complications of the cysts would be IVF ). My heart sank. There is no way we can afford that right now. My body isn’t reacting well to the medications and it’s just a cycle of medication cysts, medication cysts get bigger, and they wont do the treatments once the cysts get to a certain size because they interfere. Here is the hardest part, the thing that I live with each day, the guilt, the fact that the reason I cant get pregnant is because of me. I am to blame. It’s my choices that led me here. Me weight is the biggest problem that we are facing with getting pregnant and though I have been trying to lose weight and have lost some weight its just not enough. Either way if I lose all the weight that I need to lose or not she still felt that the best option for us is IVF. She explained that my body just isn’t ready to have a baby, and that sometimes we just have to leave it up to God. Having to explain to everyone that the main reason we can’t get pregnant is because of my weight, can’t even put into words how humiliating, and shameful I feel. Yes, there are other problems that are affecting this but I just can’t believe that I let myself get to this point. I am overwhelmed with sadness, not just because I feel like I failed, but because I put myself and my family and everyone else through this. It hurts to know that I may never be able to conceive and I know that there are children that need families. It doesn’t take away the desire to have your own babies. I just want that experience of carrying your own child and having that bond. I feel an almost unbareable aching in my heart that wont go away and it takes everything that I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning. Some may say it could be worse, but right now this is the worst thing for me and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. All I can do is pray and try to lose the weight and put it in God’s hands and that’s what I am gonna do.

It's Worth the wait

I spoke with the nurse on Tuesday after my appointment for blood work, and I have to be at the doctor’s office on Tuesday morning at 8am. My progesterone level was low (5.3 and it needed to be 15 or higher).  She said that she has seen women get pregnant with a low progesterone level, but it’s not likely. When I go in on Tuesday, they will do a blood pregnancy test & I will meet with the doctor to discuss our next plan of action. She said she felt like she would probably want to do injections @ home. She said they can’t be too aggressive with things because of the cysts that I have. They feed off of the medication and hormones almost like a parasite. The meds that they give me to help have a baby are also making the cysts balloon up and the cysts are causing interference with the conception process. So as you can imagine it’s frustrating. I know that they treat women with PCOS everyday so they know what to do, they just have to find the best medication me for and figure out what works best. It’s gonna be a long process. They also put me on progesterone suppositories. Which was a new experience for me. I don’t even like to wear tampons, and I have never had to use a device to inject anything vaginally. They give you a device (made a lot like a tampon) and you put this progesterone pill inside and then inject vaginally. The first night that I did this, after I injected the pill I quickly put my legs together and waddled to the bed, luckily brad had already gone to bed or I am sure I would’ve been made fun of for days, but its ok you gotta find some laughter somewhere in all of this. So, anyways, long story short we may not get to experience the insemination process since my body isn’t cooperating. Nothing is easy, but sometimes the hardest things are the best things, and definitely worth waiting for, and a baby  is definitely worth it all!!

My Heart & My Head Aren't Agreeing

My call from the Nurse didn’t go quite as I had expected. We weren’t able to do insemination this time due to my progesterone and estrogen levels not being where they needed to. I understand the doctor’s decision to not move forward with the insemination this time, because I know that she knows what is best for me in that aspect. I would much rather be safe, than sorry especially when it comes to something like this. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get upset, but my heart thought otherwise. I had somewhat of what I would call a “meltdown” at work. Not exactly the response I had expected from myself, but whether I expected it or not it still happened. I have told myself through this process that this time was going to be different, this time I will not allow myself to break, this time I will be strong, this time it won’t bring me down. Well, apparently my head and my heart are not on the same page. Not to say that I don’t have strong days, or good days, because I really do, but those bad days are becoming a little more often than I would like. So, anyways back to the medical end of this, I am supposed to go to the clinic in the morning so that they can do blood work to check my progesterone levels then next week I will go in and they will do a pregnancy test, at least that’s the plan. Even though I wasn’t able to be inseminated I am still on a “plan” this month. It is the same process that we have done several times before this with Clomid but this time I used Letrozole ( I am hoping maybe this just wasn’t a good medication for me, maybe that’s why my progesterone wasn’t high enough ?). So, yes there is a chance that I could be pregnant or get pregnant, but I won’t allow myself to think anything other than this is just another stepping stone. I know now that even though we may be planning to do insemination for the next cycle we may not be able to, there is always a chance so while I will try to be optimistic I will not get my hopes up like I did this time.

To anyone that is curious about how all this plays into my marriage let me just say this, fertility or infertility definitely puts a strain on your relationships with other people mainly your relationship with you spouse. It can really put things to the test. There are a lot of issues there that have to be dealt with daily. I feel like if you put God first and your marriage second then things will be fine. Through all of this we have grown a lot, for the most part we have grown together and closed to one another, but there are also times when I don’t know if we could be more distant. I have learned that there is no way possible that we could make it through all of this without each other, and the love and support from family and friends. I have learned that without a strong relationship, love, understanding, and patience you could very easily be torn apart. So, I am very lucky to have such a strong husband who has 100% been there through all of this.

We talked about “getting away” this weekend, wanted to get in the car & drive. I thought it would help us to have some fun and just not think about everything that is going on. Our weekend away turned into 12 hours away, yesterday. We had fun, and just enjoyed spending time together. We decided to go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. This probably wasn’t the best choice of places to go considering the place was covered with families with children & babies, but it was a good time. It was definitely needed, and I think it helped us to unwind a little bit.  

Insemination & Inspiration

I was hoping to be inseminated this weekend, but I haven’t ovulated so Brad and I made an early trip to the Doctor’s office this morning. They did a sonogram to check and see if I had any follicles or anything. She found 2 follicles, and did some blood work. If my LH levels are low then I will go back Wednesday for the HCG shot, and then we will move forward with the insemination. IF the levels are high then I believe we will have to wait until next month. I am a little disappointed but I know things are just not going happen in my time, but God’s time. I have to say that I feel like through this process I haven’t stopped growing as a person. I have learned a lot about myself, and my marriage, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God (most importantly). Sometimes it’s hard to accept certain things in your life, and move on from them. It’s just part of life. We may not like certain things that happen, the way people act around us, etc. but dwelling on those things is not gonna help anyone or anything. So, I have decided to just live. Stop worrying over every little thing that I can’t control. I don’t want to be upset with the people that I thought would be there for us but aren’t there in the ways that we want them to be. Everyone has their own lives, and I know that everyone is happy for us, and they just don’t have the time to check in or maybe they just don’t think about it, or maybe they don’t want to bring it up and make things uncomfortable for us, but a simple “hey, how are things going or hey if you need to talk” just an I love you and I’m here to offer support is helpful during this time. I know that everyone has their own stuff, and a lot of people have reached out to me through this blog, and that in itself means a lot. I just hope that maybe one day what we have been through can in some way help someone else. I should know the results of the blood work by 5 pm today.

Our Very First IUI

I would say that my doctor’s appt. yesterday was successful. Brad & I went in and met with the doctor to discuss what has been going on with the last tests that were done & to see where we go from here. They did some blood work and what they call a baseline (sonogram) to see where I am as far as follicles forming & all that stuff. Everything looked good, lining was good, so we decided to do our very first IUI (artificial insemination). We still have a few things to do to prep for the procedure, but in about 2-3 weeks we should be able to do it. She gave me a couple of prescriptions. 1 is called letrazole, she gave me this instead of Clomid which I have used numerous times. She also gave me a prescription for HCG. Now HCG is being used for a dietary thing, so its harder for the dr’s office to get, and so she gave me this prescription, I called ahead to my pharmacy asked if they had it in stock the woman said yes, and to make a long story short after several calls to different pharmacies in the area, no one has it or can order it because its not sold retail, which means I either have to order online or go to some place in b’ham if they have it. Waiting on the dr’s office to call me and tell me if they know of anyone that carries it in stock. Apparently only “Specialty Pharmacies” have this stuff. I know that herbal places carry it but I think it’s just the drops and this has to be injected in the dr’s office so, it’s been a headache. We are excited to start this new process, and understand that it may not work on the first try & for some couples it never works, but this is what we have been waiting for. I know that no matter what the doctors do, a baby is not possible without God therefore, for those of you who read this, if anyone does read this, please pray that God’s will be done, and if that means we will conceive via IUI then GREAT!! BUT if not, then we move on to the next option. I don’t know financially how many cycles we will be able to do, but I am willing to do whatever I possibly can to make sure we can do this. So, prayers are needed. Overall Good News yesterday, which was much needed!

Just some thoughts

Since not taking the progesterone pills, I have definitely leveled out. I don’t feel so out of balance. I kind of feel like myself, whatever that feels like. I keep thinking about our doctors appointment next week. I keep wondering what our next step will be. I wish that I didn’t have to wait so long, but I am grateful for the break in medication & tests. I would really like to try artificial insemination, and am excited to think about the possibility, but I know that whether we do IVF or Artificial Insemination that it doesn’t always take the first time, which means that it could take several attempts. I don’t really care how many attempts it takes as long as it takes, and we have a baby. There is a risk of multiples either way, but a higher risk with IVF (and I don’t know about Carrie & Brad + 8). How do you support that many mouths. It’s a little scary, but if that is what God wants for us then I guess we will figure it out. I am just ready to be a mommy. I think about it a lot, the thought of this little person calling me mommy. I never want to take it for granted, and I wish that others around me wouldn’t take it for granted either. Think about how empty their lives would be without their children, how every moment, every day is special and they should cherish it. I know parenting is not easy and at times it’s harder than I can imagine but to know that you were able to experience this miracle that God has given you. To know that you and no one else to make tears fade, pain go away, give comfort & love like no one else can. I just think about my mother and what she means to me and how sometimes she’s the only one that can make me feel better about things. I want to be that for our baby one day. I also want this hole in my heart to be filled with tears of joy from being pregnant, prayers & miracles coming true, the joy & laughter & all that comes with it when having a child. I want to not think about whether or not we will ever have a baby, I want to not get upset every time I see someone with a baby or someone pregnant, I want to not get jealous of everyone who has kids, I want to wake up and not think about not being pregnant or having kids one day, I want to not feel guilty because I can’t give the one man in this world that I would give my life for the one thing that I just cant give him right now, I want to stop worrying about being patient and learn from this experience, I want to stop wondering what is next, and will it ever happen. Five years is a long time, and I know that I have grown a lot in that time, and I still have a lot of growing to do. I would just like some kind of answers. What purpose do I have in all of this? What is God’s plan for me? What is His will for my life? What’s His Plan? I know people have waited longer to have kids, and I know in God’s time it will happen.  It doesn’t make the days any easier, until that time comes.

Great Results

Everything went good yesterday with the HSG test. There were no blockages & my uterus looked good as well (I guess as good as a uterus can look, lol). God has truly answered a lot of prayers, and I know that before long we are gonna have a baby !!

More Tests

I had a Dr’s appt yesterday. They did a sonogram to check the lining of my uterus. It has finally thinned out! YAY! Now, they have me scheduled for an HSG test tomorrow.

“During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall (WebMD)”

This will be my second time having this done. Really not looking forward to it, but it must be done. After the results of the HSG test comes back , we then will do a follow up with the doctor & she will discuss options of medications, treatments, IVF, etc. I know everything is gonna be ok with this test & we are progressing.

I also, wanted to ask anyone reading this to please pray for a friend of mine. She lost her baby last week. She’s having a tough time, and I know that its not gonna get easier anytime soon. She was about to go into her second tri-mester. I thank God that we havent had to experience this, and pray that we never will.

Good News

Got my test results back from the biopsy Monday. Nurse called yesterday and said everything is ok. I am not going to have to have a D&C, and they are taking me off birth control, finally. I am to start taking prometrium (progesterone pills) today. I think my ovaries are getting whip lash from all this start period stop period start period stop period. Anyways, can’t say how totally excited I am to finally be off the birth control! After I start I will have to go in for a sonogram then they will schedule the HSG test (dye test where they inject dye into your tubes to check for blockages—EEEK- not looking forward to that). I am so thankful for God taking control and taking care of this for us. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am without HIM. I am optimistic that everything is going to work out the way that God has planned, and we will have a baby soon.

Just Another Bump in the road

So yesterday was my appointment with the fertility doctor. In my last post I mentioned that they found some abnormal cells in my uterus & was going to do a biopsy & possible D&C. I got back to the sonar room, they set me up to do a sonogram first, I had to pee so bad I could hardly stand it, the push & shove of the sonogram made things more uncomfortable than usual. I asked the nurse if I could use the restroom she said ok, the doctor comes in & starts getting my prepared for the biopsy, she inserts this needle into my uterus to sort of deaden it (like when you go to the dentist), once she is in there she explains that the sonogram detected a “heart shaped uterus” she then decides to do another test while I am there to save me another trip, the 2^nd test is called a “SIS or saline infusion sonogram” (I will explain that a little later). She wanted to do this SIS test to see how badly my uterus was inverted. I asked what it meant to have a heart shaped uterus and she explained that it meant higher risk pregnancies (which I am already in that category), miscarriages are likely, possible trouble conceiving. I guess the expression on my face showed less than pleased with this news & she then explained it could be fixed with surgery. I was discouraged & worried to say the least. So, anyways back to the biopsy, after she deadens the area she asks if my bladder is full and I explain that I just used the restroom. She then tells me that they cant do either of the tests (biopsy or sis) unless my bladder is full. So, while I am numbing up I have to drink lots of water. 2- 20z bottles of water, & an hour later, I was about to pop. She finally comes back in the room and starts setting up to the sis test first. They thread a cathedra into your uterus and insert a saline solution that acts as a balloon to stretch everything out in your uterus so that they can get a clear view. The test was most definitely uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure if it was due to my extremely full bladder or just the test itself was causing this uncomfortableness, I say uncomfortable because I wouldn’t describe it as extremely painful, but it was definitely not a pleasant experience and one that I don’t care to repeat anytime soon. During the test I tried to listen to what the doctor & nurse were saying but had a hard time focusing on anything but my discomfort. Trying to remember to breathe & relax. I heard them mention some polyps, something about ¼ inch inversion or something of that sort, and some other things that I don’t quite remember. After she finished with this test they started the biopsy, by this time, I have to pee so bad that I am hurting and ready to get all of this over with. She doesn’t numb the area again she just started the process and immediately I felt a cramping feeling and then a more intense pain that made me want to cry. I am sure that it took less than a minute but it felt like forever. I was having trouble remembering to breathe, and my heart was pounding so fast. After she finished, my body was in frenzy. I wasn’t quite sure what to feel or what to do. I just remember asking if I could use the restroom and she said yes. After that things were a little better. I tried to just relax and control my breathing. So, today I am left with soreness on my insides and a bit of worry about everything that happened yesterday.  I won’t know the results of the biopsy until the first of next week (I hope). I feel that everything is going to be ok, and that God is going to take care of everything. I just feel that every time something good happens I am slammed with 3 more things that are not good. It’s all part of our journey, but what a crazy journey it has been so far. I just don’t think I could handle any of this without the support of my friends, family, God, and my wonderful, supportive, husband. I can’t give him enough praise for everything that he does & has done. I thank God for him, everyday.

My Challenge

My Brand New Nephew Blaze River Brewster was born Tuesday, August 23, 2011 Weighing 7lbs 9oz 19 in

I have realized that all this time I have spent on focusing on baby, baby, baby, blaming God, being angry, resentful, & jealous has gotten me no where. All I have done is feel sorry for myself and waste precious time. I am thankful for all of the blessings that God has given me. I don’t want to waste another minute of my time on earth worrying about anything, over thinking things, thinking about having a baby 24/7, or any of that crap. Life is too short. None of us know how long we have on this earth. Nothing is guaranteed. So, why do we waste our time getting so wrapped up in things that don’t matter. I have to say that I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I am trying to refocus my priorities, my relationship with God, my faith, and my purpose. Everything that I have personally gone through has made me who I am today. I may not be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter or person in general but I can say that I have tried. My best may not always meet up with everyone else’s expectations but it’s the best I can do.

I feel I constantly struggle with those around me.  People are so wrapped up in the world (not saying I’m not right there with them) that they can’t see the big picture. It doesn’t matter what material things we have in this life, what kind of car we drive, the house we live in, the clothes we wear, it’s about the real things in life, family, friends, and God. My challenge to myself and everyone else is forget about the small things, forget about the material things, & focus on what is real! Embrace it & remember each day how truly blessed we all are for all the good & the bad in our lives.

Needles, Needles & More Needles

Luckily No Needles were used at my doctor’s appt today but other unpleasant things were definitely used. I had to have an ultrasound/sonogram thing done to check my cyst. Luckily it went from 5 cm to 1 cm. The birth control worked! The bad news is I have some abnormal cells in my uterus due to lack of shedding of the uterus walls for about 6 mos. This is not abnormal for me but a little scary each time. The abnormal cells can (if not treated or disposed of) turn into worst case scenario pre-cancerous. I have to meet with the doctor on the 29^th of this month and she will either do an endometrial biopsy or schedule a DNC (which FYI isn’t fun). I know everything will be ok and the sooner we can get all the complications over with the sooner we can fast track fertility treatments. Let’s just hope & pray that nothing else interferes with things. Being poked & prodded is definitely not fun, but so worth it in the end. They also are rechecking for mycoplasma (a bacteria they found last month that has been linked to miscarriages & still births). They treated me for it & now just got to wait on the results to make sure I am clear. Still have faith that God is working things out for us, and this crazy bumpy journey that we are traveling will all be so worth it.

Ovarian Cysts= Pain in the butt

Ovarian Cysts: Many women have them. I have ovarian cyst on a regular basis, all just a part of having PCOS. Ovarian cysts are a real pain, literally. Last year in the midst of all of our fertility things, my doctor decided to do laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst that was causing a few issues along with some unwanted pain & discomfort. Now a little over a year later yet another cyst is causing more issues. This cyst is a bit larger than the one that I had previously. In order to reduce the size of this cyst the doctor put me on a cycle of birth control. (I do not have good luck with birth control. My body just doesn’t respond well, it’s like it repulses anything that is anti-baby).  Before I began taking the pills I started a menstrual cycle on my very own, no medication required, but 2 weeks into my draining cycle, the birth control pills weren’t stopping anything. I called the doctors office, and they immediately asked me to come in so they could check me to make sure that everything was ok. I was very sick, weak, and always tired. I worried that I had become anemic. Luckily I wasn’t anemic, but they decided the birth control wasn’t a strong enough dose so they put me on a different, stronger pill, 3 pills a day for 7 days. Well, that was enough to stop the cycle, but I don’t know if it accomplished much else. After I finished that pack, I was instructed to take yet another pack of pills, this time I hoped that things would go a littler smoother. I have one week of the active pills left and bam, guess who shows up, my sometimes monthly visitor full force. I call the doctor’s office, and tomorrow I am scheduled for them to check things out. I am hoping that after 3 packs of birth control, and several headaches later that at least it put a dent in the size of this cyst. If the cyst has still not gone down any then they will have to do a vaginal cyst drain. Apparently this will be done vaginally & I will be sedated, and it involves a needle! I am not excited about this to say the least. I mean it just doesn’t sound fun, but I will be happy to get this over with so that we can move forward with the next process. I am just going to hope & pray that the cyst has been reduced, but I have a feeling (literally painful feeling) that this thing isn’t going anywhere without some effort. Guess, I will see tomorrow.

Life's Choices

Life’s choices take you down many different roads. It’s amazing how the smallest of decisions can change your life. I just finished reading the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. The man in book chose a different route home after attending a conference. That different route changed his life forever. He died in a car accident and went to heaven. Prayer brought him back life. Prayer kept him alive with the assistance of doctors & nurses & family & friends. You don’t really think about how much one small choice can impact your life. The book taught me to not take life for granted. It also taught me that the power or prayer is bigger than anything that we can imagine. It taught me that things can always be worse, and no matter what I am going through in life, God will always be there. It taught me that there is a purpose for everything in our lives. This man that survived this accident & lived to tell about his experience in Heaven has helped more people than he probably ever had imagined he would. This book made me think about what I am going through with not being able to conceive a child and what purpose that may have in this world. Maybe my story is meant to help someone else. Not that I have been through nearly as much as the man in book or that I could ever be as inspirational, but if in doing this blog it helps anyone know that they are not alone and that God will always lead us through, well then that is good enough for me.

Our Story

Most people that know my husband and I know that we have been trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years now. We have endured several rounds of treatments, countless sonograms, numerous tests, surgery, testing, a list of medications to make our bodies produce the things that they should be producing but aren’t. We have been physically, mentally, & spiritually drained beyond words. It all started when we married September 30, 2006. We had been dating for more than 4 years and knew we were ready to begin our lives together. Shortly after we married we decided that we wanted to try to get pregnant, so in November of 2006 I went to a routine check up with my Gynecologist. She did her usual testing and she was a new doctor for me so I began to explain the things that were going on with my body, and she decided to conduct some tests. She informed me that I had a lot of the symptoms of someone with PSOC (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It is not a rare occurrence in woman, but causes several problems with getting pregnant. On my next visit the doctor informed me that the test results showed that I had PCOS. She gave me my options. I could go on birth control and wait until we were ready to get pregnant, or she could give me something else to make me have a menstrual cycle so that we could try to get pregnant. We decided to try to get pregnant right away so she started me on a medicine called Provera, in combination with Clomid (commonly used fertility medicine). The doctor explained that she could only do two rounds of this treatment and then we would need to try something else. Sadly after two rounds of fertility treatments with these two medications we were not successful. The next step was a test where they went in vaginally and shot dye in my fallopian tubes to make sure there were no blockages. The test was painful but only lasted about 10 seconds. Ten seconds doesn’t sound long unless you are experiencing something painful that makes it feel like it has went on forever. Thankfully there were no blockages and everything was healthy on the inside. We then endured one more round of the treatment with medication with no luck. My husband was then checked to make sure that everything was ok with his sperm. We were then faced with another obstacle. The test came back with several abnormalities with his sperm. The shape wasn’t right, they weren’t swimming like they should, and he wasn’t producing enough. My doctor referred us to the ART fertility clinic at Brookwood  Women’s Center. There wasn’t anything else she could do for us and it would take a specialist to help us. The first visit to the fertility clinic was a little scary. Here we were with all of this thrown at us, feeling helpless but still hopeful. Sitting with the doctor as she asked a series of questions and threw all this knowledge at us had my head spinning. We still had hope that she would fix this for us. If anyone could, it was her. Our hope diminished a bit when she told us that we only had about a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, without fertility treatments. We were beyond discourage, but she sent us on our way to endure more testing. The tests showed that things were definitely off. My body wasn’t producing enough of certain things and too much of other. Not everything made sense but we knew that they knew what to do so I just followed whatever they told me to do. The knowledge they throw at you is overwhelming.  When you think about what it takes to get pregnant for a normal person it never seems that complex, but when there are complications there are a million things to look at and everything affects something else. There were several things wrong with my body & my husbands. The only way for the doctors to fix this was to bring on a series of medication and tests to keep track of what was going on and if things improved. After numerous trips back and forth to the doctor, a surgery to remove a cyst that was causing a lot of pain, tests, medication, etc. we decided that maybe it just wasn’t our time. All of this seems like it didn’t take much time at all but this was over 4 years of trying and trying with no hope. The expenses of fertility at the stages that we were in weren’t as bad as In-vitro or artificial insemination but still it drained our energy and our funds. We took a break for a while maybe 6 months. Through the last 4 years I struggled with anger, bitterness, I blamed God. I couldn’t understand. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than to conceive our child and yet it seemed so unattainable for us. It was a goal that I felt we would never reach no matter how hard we tried. I pushed and pushed and fought and held myself together as much as I could. The pain, anger and bitterness were weighing me down. I couldn’t continue to live my life like this. I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I remember driving home from work thinking ok God; this is too much for me to handle anymore. I can’t do this on my own. I’m tired of fighting you and your will. I just prayed for God’s will to be done in my life and accepted that it may not be meant for us to have babies of our own. This in everything that we had endured was the hardest thing I have ever done. Fully surrendering to God isn’t easy. It’s hard to let go of something that you want so badly that it literally makes your ache. We decided to just let things happen and see where God took us. We decided to get back in church and live for God. This happened in June of this year. Towards the end of June my mother told me that she was praying one morning and that God told her that her daughter would have a baby and it would be a boy. After hearing this I was filled with joy, excitement, hope, a fire lit in me. I had so much faith that we started planning for the baby. We bought a few outfits, started looking at furniture for the nursery, bedding, names, etc. I started feeling a little discouraged after thinking about all the things that I didn’t know. When, where, would we adopt, would we conceive. In July we decided to go back to the fertility doctor, and try the fertility treatments again. It was around this time maybe later in the month God spoke to my mother again and told her that it would be soon. When we went in for our tests and the fertility doctor my husbands semen analysis would perfect. Nothing was abnormal. This was a blessing from God. I knew that he was working on this for us. I on the other hand still have the same issues as before, but we have a better chance now with it just being me instead of both of us. It has only been a couple of months, but once we surrendered our lives to God’s will he began working in our lives like never before. I know that He must have been waiting on us to surrender to Him. The treatments are not easy, the medicine makes you sick, and my hormones were so out of balance that I felt borderline crazy. I can’t be the easiest person to deal with, but through everything my wonderful husband has had more patient than I could have ever hoped for. He has endured many things, and moments where I was weak he was my strength. I know this hasn’t been easy for him either, but for a woman there is a yearning inside of you. It’s what God created us for. We were meant to procreate, to nurture, to soothe, to make things all better. I want that more than anything, and there was a time that I had to realize it might not be meant for me. It is such a blessing to be able to say, God is going to give us a baby. I don’t know how, or when, but I KNOW that he is because He told me He would. My spiritual journey is different everyday. It’s not easy. Everyday has it’s own challenges, and the devil definitely doesn’t make it easy. I have moments of extreme sadness, I get discouraged often, but I know that everything will all be worth it. I know that he has a bigger plan for us than I understand. He keeps telling He knows the plans that He has made for me. All of these things that have happened has made me a stronger person in life and in my walk with God. Who knows where I would be today without this journey. I know that we are approaching a bumpy road ahead with losts of curves and turns, because I know that He will not leave me or forsake as long as I trust in Him and believe that He will take care of everything. So, in all of this I just want to help anyone out there that might be going through the same thing or maybe something completely different. In any situation in life all we have to do is cast our fears to Him and He will take care of everything.