There Won't Always Be 2

It’s so hard to believe that we are fastly approaching the end to another year. When I started this blog I was so sure that I would be finishing the year with exciting news of welcoming our first baby. Sadly that is not how we are ending this year. I have really been dealing with that lately. I have been thinking a lot lately about why God would give me the desire to be a mother, but not actually be able to do that. To live a life feeling unfulfilled or only half complete is no way to live. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of good things. My life is full of love, and friendship and family and I am very fortunate. I know that God has this plan for my life. One that I don’t understand right now, and that plan is perfect. I know that I finish this year, a little stronger, a littler wiser, and a little more patient (not a whole lot more, but I’m making some progress). These are the things that God wants me to grow in. He wants me to become a stronger Christian, A stronger wife, a stronger friend, maybe He’s preparing me for the day when I actually do become a mother. He wants me to be more patient. Not just with big things like this, but with the little things. God allows these obstacles in our lives, not as punishment but as tools to help us grow as stronger, more faithful, and more patient believers and followers of Christ. I believe that this next year is going to bring many changes in my life, and the lives of those around me. I would like to spend the next year not stressing about pregnancy or what to do next. I would like to just focus on myself and becoming healthier & more confident. I have to say that I don’t regret any decisions that I have made because it has all brought me to this point, but I might have done a few things differently along the way.

Christmas Day was pretty rough for me this year (holidays are always rough). I spent a lot of the day stuck in my own head, trying to distract myself and just ended up distancing myself from everyone. I guess I am not as good at hiding my feelings as I would like to think that I am. Anyways, we went over to watch my niece & nephew open presents Christmas morning. I think being present for that really helped. My brother sent me this later that night, and it meant a lot to me.

There won't always be 2, soon our father will make that one special dream come true. All the pain, the heartache, the tears that you've cried, will soon be replaced with joy and pride. Your heart will soon grow, it will double in size, for there is no love greater than the love for your child. It won't always be two, soon your house will grow, no longer quite, late nights, no sleep, the pitter patter of little feet. A mothers journey begins, her life will soon change, for all that she knows will be rearranged. Nothing else will matter, nothing else will compare to that little heart beating, to the love that you share. When the time comes all else fades away, you'll thank the lord above every single day. There won't always be two, maybe three or four, after the first I pray there are more. Until your heart is content and your family has grown, I'll pray every day till you bring your child home. For my baby sister. I love you and wish for nothing but your happiness

Waiting

Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the things that we are blessed with and not focus on what we don’t have. I am learning that you have to keep your mind of the positive and not the negative and I admit sometimes I guess I wallow too much in my own pity and not understand why, why, why. I don’t have to understand why right now, I just have to know that He Is and He will. I think that I may forget sometimes how blessed I really am. Thanking God for his many blessings and truly feeling in your heart that He has blessed you, goes a long way. Every morning as I’m driving on my way to work I talk to God and thank Him for my many blessings and for giving me this day to live when He didn’t have to. Some days I have to admit that even though those words come out of my mouth, I may not really acknowledge those things. I know that I can take people and things for granted always thinking they are gonna be there but nothing and no one is promised tomorrow. I want to stop living in my own depressed state of why God why, Please God please, me, me, me, me, me. What about God’s plan, What about God’s Will. He has the perfect plan for me and though I struggle with what that plan is, I know in time He will reveal that to me. One of the hardest things about our struggle is waiting. I feel by sitting here and not going to the doctor & pushing and struggling to get pregnant that I am doing nothing. Sometimes it just takes doing nothing & giving it to God for something to happen. A co-worker & friend gave me this morning devotional this morning and it spoke to me and the way that I have been feeling. Here is a portion of what it read:

“We often equate “wait” with “waste”. If we’re waiting for something or someone, we think we are doing nothing, which, in an accomplishment-crazed culture, seems like a waste of time. By waiting serves many purposes. In Particular, it proves our faith. Those whose faith is weak are often the first to give up waiting, while those with strongest faith are willing to wait indefinitely. Not receiving an immediate answer to prayer is no reason to give up faith.” So, by waiting its not doing nothing its just waiting on for God’s plan to come together. I definitely have struggled with faith and everything else I think that I could possibly struggle with, but I am kind of starting to feel like maybe I am coming out of the other side and it has made me stronger. I have to push myself each day so that I don’t lose myself in all of this because I definitely have become a little lost. I feel like I am just sitting in the same place & life is passing me by. I have to enjoy the life that God has given me, and focus on the good things and not the bad. Easier said than done, but atleast I can say that I am trying. My struggle is not to just have a baby and be a mother and do all the things that I have imagined doing, but also to find my purpose in this life. I think in having a baby I felt that I would feel like I was living a full life with purpose and meaning and without that I am not quite sure where I should be or who I am.

Where do we go from here?

Where do I start? Let’s start with Monday. Monday was a day for the record books. It was an awful terrible day at work. At the end of the day that didn’t seem to end, I sat down at one of the desks  in the office and a sudden sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen (where my female organs are). At first I thought that it was just the normal ovarian cyst pains that occur sometimes. The pain didn’t ease us. It was intense sharp pains that were constant and it was all the way across my lower stomach area. I knew that I had a cyst on my right ovary and a cyst on my left ovary, but didn’t really know what was going on because the pain was so awfully bad. I tried to move but couldn’t, I forgot to breathe it hurt so bad. Eventually I managed to get up and go to my regular desk and turned my fan on, I was sweating from the pain, craziness, anyways so a co-worked asked what was wrong and I explained what I felt and she asked “Are you sure it’s not gas”. I calmly said “Yea, I’m pretty sure its not gas.” Then I took some advil and after about 30 mins of this pain, it finally eased up, It didn’t stop completely but did ease up enough for me to function. I was so scared. I have never had pain to last that long and to be that intense before. All that night I still had some pain, and a feeling of pressure or soreness on the inside. I had a doctors appt with the fertility doctor Tuesday morning so I just decided to let them check me then. After a sonogram they explained that I had a cyst to rupture on my left ovary. They gave me some pain meds and just said to give it a few days and I would be ok.

Now onto Tuesday & the rest of the doctor’s visit. My appt was @ 8am to have a blood pregnancy test done. The test was negative. Then my appt to speak with the doctor was at 9am. So we go in to talk to the doctor and she’s reviewing everything and we talk about the cysts and what a pain they have been through all of this and then the worst thing happens. She tells us that we have choice she can do the shots for our next round of treatments. Shots that I would have to give myself @ home, but if we do the shots more than likely it would cause more cysts and cause the ones that I already have to get larger and cause more pain, etc. She said that the best option for us because of the complications of the cysts would be IVF ). My heart sank. There is no way we can afford that right now. My body isn’t reacting well to the medications and it’s just a cycle of medication cysts, medication cysts get bigger, and they wont do the treatments once the cysts get to a certain size because they interfere. Here is the hardest part, the thing that I live with each day, the guilt, the fact that the reason I cant get pregnant is because of me. I am to blame. It’s my choices that led me here. Me weight is the biggest problem that we are facing with getting pregnant and though I have been trying to lose weight and have lost some weight its just not enough. Either way if I lose all the weight that I need to lose or not she still felt that the best option for us is IVF. She explained that my body just isn’t ready to have a baby, and that sometimes we just have to leave it up to God. Having to explain to everyone that the main reason we can’t get pregnant is because of my weight, can’t even put into words how humiliating, and shameful I feel. Yes, there are other problems that are affecting this but I just can’t believe that I let myself get to this point. I am overwhelmed with sadness, not just because I feel like I failed, but because I put myself and my family and everyone else through this. It hurts to know that I may never be able to conceive and I know that there are children that need families. It doesn’t take away the desire to have your own babies. I just want that experience of carrying your own child and having that bond. I feel an almost unbareable aching in my heart that wont go away and it takes everything that I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning. Some may say it could be worse, but right now this is the worst thing for me and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. All I can do is pray and try to lose the weight and put it in God’s hands and that’s what I am gonna do.

It's Worth the wait

I spoke with the nurse on Tuesday after my appointment for blood work, and I have to be at the doctor’s office on Tuesday morning at 8am. My progesterone level was low (5.3 and it needed to be 15 or higher).  She said that she has seen women get pregnant with a low progesterone level, but it’s not likely. When I go in on Tuesday, they will do a blood pregnancy test & I will meet with the doctor to discuss our next plan of action. She said she felt like she would probably want to do injections @ home. She said they can’t be too aggressive with things because of the cysts that I have. They feed off of the medication and hormones almost like a parasite. The meds that they give me to help have a baby are also making the cysts balloon up and the cysts are causing interference with the conception process. So as you can imagine it’s frustrating. I know that they treat women with PCOS everyday so they know what to do, they just have to find the best medication me for and figure out what works best. It’s gonna be a long process. They also put me on progesterone suppositories. Which was a new experience for me. I don’t even like to wear tampons, and I have never had to use a device to inject anything vaginally. They give you a device (made a lot like a tampon) and you put this progesterone pill inside and then inject vaginally. The first night that I did this, after I injected the pill I quickly put my legs together and waddled to the bed, luckily brad had already gone to bed or I am sure I would’ve been made fun of for days, but its ok you gotta find some laughter somewhere in all of this. So, anyways, long story short we may not get to experience the insemination process since my body isn’t cooperating. Nothing is easy, but sometimes the hardest things are the best things, and definitely worth waiting for, and a baby  is definitely worth it all!!

My Heart & My Head Aren't Agreeing

My call from the Nurse didn’t go quite as I had expected. We weren’t able to do insemination this time due to my progesterone and estrogen levels not being where they needed to. I understand the doctor’s decision to not move forward with the insemination this time, because I know that she knows what is best for me in that aspect. I would much rather be safe, than sorry especially when it comes to something like this. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get upset, but my heart thought otherwise. I had somewhat of what I would call a “meltdown” at work. Not exactly the response I had expected from myself, but whether I expected it or not it still happened. I have told myself through this process that this time was going to be different, this time I will not allow myself to break, this time I will be strong, this time it won’t bring me down. Well, apparently my head and my heart are not on the same page. Not to say that I don’t have strong days, or good days, because I really do, but those bad days are becoming a little more often than I would like. So, anyways back to the medical end of this, I am supposed to go to the clinic in the morning so that they can do blood work to check my progesterone levels then next week I will go in and they will do a pregnancy test, at least that’s the plan. Even though I wasn’t able to be inseminated I am still on a “plan” this month. It is the same process that we have done several times before this with Clomid but this time I used Letrozole ( I am hoping maybe this just wasn’t a good medication for me, maybe that’s why my progesterone wasn’t high enough ?). So, yes there is a chance that I could be pregnant or get pregnant, but I won’t allow myself to think anything other than this is just another stepping stone. I know now that even though we may be planning to do insemination for the next cycle we may not be able to, there is always a chance so while I will try to be optimistic I will not get my hopes up like I did this time.

To anyone that is curious about how all this plays into my marriage let me just say this, fertility or infertility definitely puts a strain on your relationships with other people mainly your relationship with you spouse. It can really put things to the test. There are a lot of issues there that have to be dealt with daily. I feel like if you put God first and your marriage second then things will be fine. Through all of this we have grown a lot, for the most part we have grown together and closed to one another, but there are also times when I don’t know if we could be more distant. I have learned that there is no way possible that we could make it through all of this without each other, and the love and support from family and friends. I have learned that without a strong relationship, love, understanding, and patience you could very easily be torn apart. So, I am very lucky to have such a strong husband who has 100% been there through all of this.

We talked about “getting away” this weekend, wanted to get in the car & drive. I thought it would help us to have some fun and just not think about everything that is going on. Our weekend away turned into 12 hours away, yesterday. We had fun, and just enjoyed spending time together. We decided to go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. This probably wasn’t the best choice of places to go considering the place was covered with families with children & babies, but it was a good time. It was definitely needed, and I think it helped us to unwind a little bit.  

Insemination & Inspiration

I was hoping to be inseminated this weekend, but I haven’t ovulated so Brad and I made an early trip to the Doctor’s office this morning. They did a sonogram to check and see if I had any follicles or anything. She found 2 follicles, and did some blood work. If my LH levels are low then I will go back Wednesday for the HCG shot, and then we will move forward with the insemination. IF the levels are high then I believe we will have to wait until next month. I am a little disappointed but I know things are just not going happen in my time, but God’s time. I have to say that I feel like through this process I haven’t stopped growing as a person. I have learned a lot about myself, and my marriage, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God (most importantly). Sometimes it’s hard to accept certain things in your life, and move on from them. It’s just part of life. We may not like certain things that happen, the way people act around us, etc. but dwelling on those things is not gonna help anyone or anything. So, I have decided to just live. Stop worrying over every little thing that I can’t control. I don’t want to be upset with the people that I thought would be there for us but aren’t there in the ways that we want them to be. Everyone has their own lives, and I know that everyone is happy for us, and they just don’t have the time to check in or maybe they just don’t think about it, or maybe they don’t want to bring it up and make things uncomfortable for us, but a simple “hey, how are things going or hey if you need to talk” just an I love you and I’m here to offer support is helpful during this time. I know that everyone has their own stuff, and a lot of people have reached out to me through this blog, and that in itself means a lot. I just hope that maybe one day what we have been through can in some way help someone else. I should know the results of the blood work by 5 pm today.

Our Very First IUI

I would say that my doctor’s appt. yesterday was successful. Brad & I went in and met with the doctor to discuss what has been going on with the last tests that were done & to see where we go from here. They did some blood work and what they call a baseline (sonogram) to see where I am as far as follicles forming & all that stuff. Everything looked good, lining was good, so we decided to do our very first IUI (artificial insemination). We still have a few things to do to prep for the procedure, but in about 2-3 weeks we should be able to do it. She gave me a couple of prescriptions. 1 is called letrazole, she gave me this instead of Clomid which I have used numerous times. She also gave me a prescription for HCG. Now HCG is being used for a dietary thing, so its harder for the dr’s office to get, and so she gave me this prescription, I called ahead to my pharmacy asked if they had it in stock the woman said yes, and to make a long story short after several calls to different pharmacies in the area, no one has it or can order it because its not sold retail, which means I either have to order online or go to some place in b’ham if they have it. Waiting on the dr’s office to call me and tell me if they know of anyone that carries it in stock. Apparently only “Specialty Pharmacies” have this stuff. I know that herbal places carry it but I think it’s just the drops and this has to be injected in the dr’s office so, it’s been a headache. We are excited to start this new process, and understand that it may not work on the first try & for some couples it never works, but this is what we have been waiting for. I know that no matter what the doctors do, a baby is not possible without God therefore, for those of you who read this, if anyone does read this, please pray that God’s will be done, and if that means we will conceive via IUI then GREAT!! BUT if not, then we move on to the next option. I don’t know financially how many cycles we will be able to do, but I am willing to do whatever I possibly can to make sure we can do this. So, prayers are needed. Overall Good News yesterday, which was much needed!