Most people celebrate a new year, new beginnings, set new goals, make resolutions, etc. At the beginning of every year of the last 9 years of my life I can't help but think another year has passed and I am still barren.
This year I will turn 29 years old and I realize that I have spent my 20's trying to conceive. When I look back on the last 9 years I can admit that in my early 20's even though I wanted to have a baby and know I would've been a pretty good mom I don't know that I could have fully appreciated what a miracle a child is. I wouldn't have had to suffer through as much heartache, I wouldn't have had to endure the physical pain and challenges that infertility brings but I also know that over the last 9 years I have grown and have become stronger in most aspects of my life.In knowing this if I could go back I don't think I would have done things any differently.
I don't quite know why God has chosen this path for my life but I am pretty sure there is a purpose ("For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for Him" Philipians 1:29). Whatever purpose God has for my life I know that my pain and suffering will not be nothing. I believe that is where faith comes in. My faith has grown stronger and though at times I catch myself saying "if I have kids" instead of "when I have kids" in my heart I KNOW God will keep His promises therefore I will be a mother.
All of that being said I feel more pressure than ever to make my last year in my 20's count! I know medically speaking that my fertility will drop in my 30's and though many people conceive in their 30's it isn't the same for everyone. I always thought that by the time I was 30 I would be finished having children, but that just goes to show you that no matter what we have planned for our lives in the end we inevitable have no control over most things in our lives. God has the ultimate upper hand on control. Being human and not having control of our own lives can drive you insane. We feel the need to be in control because it gives us a sense of peace in knowing that when things get rough we can just figure it out and fix it. Some things can't just be fixed. My body is broken and in order to fix it I need more than to just shed a few pounds or take a combination of special drugs that the fertility doctor gives me. Ultimately I have to surrender my all to God and put my future in His hands and have faith that His plan will come together perfectly as He had intended it to be. I want to fight back and say "NO I want to have babies now, I don't want to wait another 2, 5 or 10 years" but when it comes down to it I would wait until I drew my last breath to be a mother. So, if I have no control over when I will have my babies then why do I feel pressure to have a baby by next year? Because it's what I WANT. It may happen or it may not happen either way I will try to make my last year in my 20's as little about making babies as possible and more about focusing on my health & happiness.
So, no resolutions for 2015 just hopes that it will be a happier, healthier and more fun year than all of my 20's put together!
Here's to 2015!
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