Just Another Bump in the road

So yesterday was my appointment with the fertility doctor. In my last post I mentioned that they found some abnormal cells in my uterus & was going to do a biopsy & possible D&C. I got back to the sonar room, they set me up to do a sonogram first, I had to pee so bad I could hardly stand it, the push & shove of the sonogram made things more uncomfortable than usual. I asked the nurse if I could use the restroom she said ok, the doctor comes in & starts getting my prepared for the biopsy, she inserts this needle into my uterus to sort of deaden it (like when you go to the dentist), once she is in there she explains that the sonogram detected a “heart shaped uterus” she then decides to do another test while I am there to save me another trip, the 2^nd test is called a “SIS or saline infusion sonogram” (I will explain that a little later). She wanted to do this SIS test to see how badly my uterus was inverted. I asked what it meant to have a heart shaped uterus and she explained that it meant higher risk pregnancies (which I am already in that category), miscarriages are likely, possible trouble conceiving. I guess the expression on my face showed less than pleased with this news & she then explained it could be fixed with surgery. I was discouraged & worried to say the least. So, anyways back to the biopsy, after she deadens the area she asks if my bladder is full and I explain that I just used the restroom. She then tells me that they cant do either of the tests (biopsy or sis) unless my bladder is full. So, while I am numbing up I have to drink lots of water. 2- 20z bottles of water, & an hour later, I was about to pop. She finally comes back in the room and starts setting up to the sis test first. They thread a cathedra into your uterus and insert a saline solution that acts as a balloon to stretch everything out in your uterus so that they can get a clear view. The test was most definitely uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure if it was due to my extremely full bladder or just the test itself was causing this uncomfortableness, I say uncomfortable because I wouldn’t describe it as extremely painful, but it was definitely not a pleasant experience and one that I don’t care to repeat anytime soon. During the test I tried to listen to what the doctor & nurse were saying but had a hard time focusing on anything but my discomfort. Trying to remember to breathe & relax. I heard them mention some polyps, something about ¼ inch inversion or something of that sort, and some other things that I don’t quite remember. After she finished with this test they started the biopsy, by this time, I have to pee so bad that I am hurting and ready to get all of this over with. She doesn’t numb the area again she just started the process and immediately I felt a cramping feeling and then a more intense pain that made me want to cry. I am sure that it took less than a minute but it felt like forever. I was having trouble remembering to breathe, and my heart was pounding so fast. After she finished, my body was in frenzy. I wasn’t quite sure what to feel or what to do. I just remember asking if I could use the restroom and she said yes. After that things were a little better. I tried to just relax and control my breathing. So, today I am left with soreness on my insides and a bit of worry about everything that happened yesterday.  I won’t know the results of the biopsy until the first of next week (I hope). I feel that everything is going to be ok, and that God is going to take care of everything. I just feel that every time something good happens I am slammed with 3 more things that are not good. It’s all part of our journey, but what a crazy journey it has been so far. I just don’t think I could handle any of this without the support of my friends, family, God, and my wonderful, supportive, husband. I can’t give him enough praise for everything that he does & has done. I thank God for him, everyday.

My Challenge

My Brand New Nephew Blaze River Brewster was born Tuesday, August 23, 2011 Weighing 7lbs 9oz 19 in

I have realized that all this time I have spent on focusing on baby, baby, baby, blaming God, being angry, resentful, & jealous has gotten me no where. All I have done is feel sorry for myself and waste precious time. I am thankful for all of the blessings that God has given me. I don’t want to waste another minute of my time on earth worrying about anything, over thinking things, thinking about having a baby 24/7, or any of that crap. Life is too short. None of us know how long we have on this earth. Nothing is guaranteed. So, why do we waste our time getting so wrapped up in things that don’t matter. I have to say that I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I am trying to refocus my priorities, my relationship with God, my faith, and my purpose. Everything that I have personally gone through has made me who I am today. I may not be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter or person in general but I can say that I have tried. My best may not always meet up with everyone else’s expectations but it’s the best I can do.

I feel I constantly struggle with those around me.  People are so wrapped up in the world (not saying I’m not right there with them) that they can’t see the big picture. It doesn’t matter what material things we have in this life, what kind of car we drive, the house we live in, the clothes we wear, it’s about the real things in life, family, friends, and God. My challenge to myself and everyone else is forget about the small things, forget about the material things, & focus on what is real! Embrace it & remember each day how truly blessed we all are for all the good & the bad in our lives.

Needles, Needles & More Needles

Luckily No Needles were used at my doctor’s appt today but other unpleasant things were definitely used. I had to have an ultrasound/sonogram thing done to check my cyst. Luckily it went from 5 cm to 1 cm. The birth control worked! The bad news is I have some abnormal cells in my uterus due to lack of shedding of the uterus walls for about 6 mos. This is not abnormal for me but a little scary each time. The abnormal cells can (if not treated or disposed of) turn into worst case scenario pre-cancerous. I have to meet with the doctor on the 29^th of this month and she will either do an endometrial biopsy or schedule a DNC (which FYI isn’t fun). I know everything will be ok and the sooner we can get all the complications over with the sooner we can fast track fertility treatments. Let’s just hope & pray that nothing else interferes with things. Being poked & prodded is definitely not fun, but so worth it in the end. They also are rechecking for mycoplasma (a bacteria they found last month that has been linked to miscarriages & still births). They treated me for it & now just got to wait on the results to make sure I am clear. Still have faith that God is working things out for us, and this crazy bumpy journey that we are traveling will all be so worth it.

Ovarian Cysts= Pain in the butt

Ovarian Cysts: Many women have them. I have ovarian cyst on a regular basis, all just a part of having PCOS. Ovarian cysts are a real pain, literally. Last year in the midst of all of our fertility things, my doctor decided to do laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst that was causing a few issues along with some unwanted pain & discomfort. Now a little over a year later yet another cyst is causing more issues. This cyst is a bit larger than the one that I had previously. In order to reduce the size of this cyst the doctor put me on a cycle of birth control. (I do not have good luck with birth control. My body just doesn’t respond well, it’s like it repulses anything that is anti-baby).  Before I began taking the pills I started a menstrual cycle on my very own, no medication required, but 2 weeks into my draining cycle, the birth control pills weren’t stopping anything. I called the doctors office, and they immediately asked me to come in so they could check me to make sure that everything was ok. I was very sick, weak, and always tired. I worried that I had become anemic. Luckily I wasn’t anemic, but they decided the birth control wasn’t a strong enough dose so they put me on a different, stronger pill, 3 pills a day for 7 days. Well, that was enough to stop the cycle, but I don’t know if it accomplished much else. After I finished that pack, I was instructed to take yet another pack of pills, this time I hoped that things would go a littler smoother. I have one week of the active pills left and bam, guess who shows up, my sometimes monthly visitor full force. I call the doctor’s office, and tomorrow I am scheduled for them to check things out. I am hoping that after 3 packs of birth control, and several headaches later that at least it put a dent in the size of this cyst. If the cyst has still not gone down any then they will have to do a vaginal cyst drain. Apparently this will be done vaginally & I will be sedated, and it involves a needle! I am not excited about this to say the least. I mean it just doesn’t sound fun, but I will be happy to get this over with so that we can move forward with the next process. I am just going to hope & pray that the cyst has been reduced, but I have a feeling (literally painful feeling) that this thing isn’t going anywhere without some effort. Guess, I will see tomorrow.

Life's Choices

Life’s choices take you down many different roads. It’s amazing how the smallest of decisions can change your life. I just finished reading the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. The man in book chose a different route home after attending a conference. That different route changed his life forever. He died in a car accident and went to heaven. Prayer brought him back life. Prayer kept him alive with the assistance of doctors & nurses & family & friends. You don’t really think about how much one small choice can impact your life. The book taught me to not take life for granted. It also taught me that the power or prayer is bigger than anything that we can imagine. It taught me that things can always be worse, and no matter what I am going through in life, God will always be there. It taught me that there is a purpose for everything in our lives. This man that survived this accident & lived to tell about his experience in Heaven has helped more people than he probably ever had imagined he would. This book made me think about what I am going through with not being able to conceive a child and what purpose that may have in this world. Maybe my story is meant to help someone else. Not that I have been through nearly as much as the man in book or that I could ever be as inspirational, but if in doing this blog it helps anyone know that they are not alone and that God will always lead us through, well then that is good enough for me.

Our Story

Most people that know my husband and I know that we have been trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years now. We have endured several rounds of treatments, countless sonograms, numerous tests, surgery, testing, a list of medications to make our bodies produce the things that they should be producing but aren’t. We have been physically, mentally, & spiritually drained beyond words. It all started when we married September 30, 2006. We had been dating for more than 4 years and knew we were ready to begin our lives together. Shortly after we married we decided that we wanted to try to get pregnant, so in November of 2006 I went to a routine check up with my Gynecologist. She did her usual testing and she was a new doctor for me so I began to explain the things that were going on with my body, and she decided to conduct some tests. She informed me that I had a lot of the symptoms of someone with PSOC (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It is not a rare occurrence in woman, but causes several problems with getting pregnant. On my next visit the doctor informed me that the test results showed that I had PCOS. She gave me my options. I could go on birth control and wait until we were ready to get pregnant, or she could give me something else to make me have a menstrual cycle so that we could try to get pregnant. We decided to try to get pregnant right away so she started me on a medicine called Provera, in combination with Clomid (commonly used fertility medicine). The doctor explained that she could only do two rounds of this treatment and then we would need to try something else. Sadly after two rounds of fertility treatments with these two medications we were not successful. The next step was a test where they went in vaginally and shot dye in my fallopian tubes to make sure there were no blockages. The test was painful but only lasted about 10 seconds. Ten seconds doesn’t sound long unless you are experiencing something painful that makes it feel like it has went on forever. Thankfully there were no blockages and everything was healthy on the inside. We then endured one more round of the treatment with medication with no luck. My husband was then checked to make sure that everything was ok with his sperm. We were then faced with another obstacle. The test came back with several abnormalities with his sperm. The shape wasn’t right, they weren’t swimming like they should, and he wasn’t producing enough. My doctor referred us to the ART fertility clinic at Brookwood  Women’s Center. There wasn’t anything else she could do for us and it would take a specialist to help us. The first visit to the fertility clinic was a little scary. Here we were with all of this thrown at us, feeling helpless but still hopeful. Sitting with the doctor as she asked a series of questions and threw all this knowledge at us had my head spinning. We still had hope that she would fix this for us. If anyone could, it was her. Our hope diminished a bit when she told us that we only had about a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, without fertility treatments. We were beyond discourage, but she sent us on our way to endure more testing. The tests showed that things were definitely off. My body wasn’t producing enough of certain things and too much of other. Not everything made sense but we knew that they knew what to do so I just followed whatever they told me to do. The knowledge they throw at you is overwhelming.  When you think about what it takes to get pregnant for a normal person it never seems that complex, but when there are complications there are a million things to look at and everything affects something else. There were several things wrong with my body & my husbands. The only way for the doctors to fix this was to bring on a series of medication and tests to keep track of what was going on and if things improved. After numerous trips back and forth to the doctor, a surgery to remove a cyst that was causing a lot of pain, tests, medication, etc. we decided that maybe it just wasn’t our time. All of this seems like it didn’t take much time at all but this was over 4 years of trying and trying with no hope. The expenses of fertility at the stages that we were in weren’t as bad as In-vitro or artificial insemination but still it drained our energy and our funds. We took a break for a while maybe 6 months. Through the last 4 years I struggled with anger, bitterness, I blamed God. I couldn’t understand. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than to conceive our child and yet it seemed so unattainable for us. It was a goal that I felt we would never reach no matter how hard we tried. I pushed and pushed and fought and held myself together as much as I could. The pain, anger and bitterness were weighing me down. I couldn’t continue to live my life like this. I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I remember driving home from work thinking ok God; this is too much for me to handle anymore. I can’t do this on my own. I’m tired of fighting you and your will. I just prayed for God’s will to be done in my life and accepted that it may not be meant for us to have babies of our own. This in everything that we had endured was the hardest thing I have ever done. Fully surrendering to God isn’t easy. It’s hard to let go of something that you want so badly that it literally makes your ache. We decided to just let things happen and see where God took us. We decided to get back in church and live for God. This happened in June of this year. Towards the end of June my mother told me that she was praying one morning and that God told her that her daughter would have a baby and it would be a boy. After hearing this I was filled with joy, excitement, hope, a fire lit in me. I had so much faith that we started planning for the baby. We bought a few outfits, started looking at furniture for the nursery, bedding, names, etc. I started feeling a little discouraged after thinking about all the things that I didn’t know. When, where, would we adopt, would we conceive. In July we decided to go back to the fertility doctor, and try the fertility treatments again. It was around this time maybe later in the month God spoke to my mother again and told her that it would be soon. When we went in for our tests and the fertility doctor my husbands semen analysis would perfect. Nothing was abnormal. This was a blessing from God. I knew that he was working on this for us. I on the other hand still have the same issues as before, but we have a better chance now with it just being me instead of both of us. It has only been a couple of months, but once we surrendered our lives to God’s will he began working in our lives like never before. I know that He must have been waiting on us to surrender to Him. The treatments are not easy, the medicine makes you sick, and my hormones were so out of balance that I felt borderline crazy. I can’t be the easiest person to deal with, but through everything my wonderful husband has had more patient than I could have ever hoped for. He has endured many things, and moments where I was weak he was my strength. I know this hasn’t been easy for him either, but for a woman there is a yearning inside of you. It’s what God created us for. We were meant to procreate, to nurture, to soothe, to make things all better. I want that more than anything, and there was a time that I had to realize it might not be meant for me. It is such a blessing to be able to say, God is going to give us a baby. I don’t know how, or when, but I KNOW that he is because He told me He would. My spiritual journey is different everyday. It’s not easy. Everyday has it’s own challenges, and the devil definitely doesn’t make it easy. I have moments of extreme sadness, I get discouraged often, but I know that everything will all be worth it. I know that he has a bigger plan for us than I understand. He keeps telling He knows the plans that He has made for me. All of these things that have happened has made me a stronger person in life and in my walk with God. Who knows where I would be today without this journey. I know that we are approaching a bumpy road ahead with losts of curves and turns, because I know that He will not leave me or forsake as long as I trust in Him and believe that He will take care of everything. So, in all of this I just want to help anyone out there that might be going through the same thing or maybe something completely different. In any situation in life all we have to do is cast our fears to Him and He will take care of everything.